


When your grip fails (I will take your hand)

by JForward



Series: A universe that doesn't care (and people that do) [2]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Disordered Eating, Eating, Gen, Panic Attacks, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pregnancy, Self-Harm, Tags will update as it's written, Therapy, Trauma, Unplanned Pregnancy, Unwanted Pregnancy, Vomiting, We're getting dark here folks I'm sorry, Yaz continues to be a good bean, Zoo, starts out very soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2020-05-26
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:29:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 31,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23894596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JForward/pseuds/JForward
Summary: The sequel to Keep Holding On (don't let them see you break)The Doctor's going to therapy, and feeling better. Time to go back to the universe, to adventures and fun...Of course, it seems the universe will continue to be cruel to the Doctor.PLEASE read the tags, they will update as the fic is written. This is not going to be a happy time.
Series: A universe that doesn't care (and people that do) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1722211
Comments: 56
Kudos: 53





	1. Chapter 1

  
"Right, are we ready to go?" her beam is bright, confident, comfortable as she surveys them - her fam. She felt the warmth as they smiled back at her. Yaz, bright and young, Ryan, strong and confident, Graham, light-hearted and down to earth. Important people to her. The most important people in the world to her, considering how much they'd taken care of her since she'd turned up at Yaz's flat unannounced and - everything that had followed. She'd spent a few weeks now, kipping on Graham's sofa. Every Friday, she had gone with Yaz to that little office, and she'd spoken softly but with increasing confidence.

Yaz never told any of them what was said, and they never would have expected them to. The Doctor was responsible for just how much she would have shared. And seeing her come back to life, well, that had been - incredible in and of itself. The bright eyed, laughing, joking, clever Doctor who seemed to have emerged from the damaged shell. Yaz wasn't blind, of course - she knew that the Doctor was still the same person. Her trauma might have changed her, but it didn't make her. 

"You feeling good enough to leave?" Yaz asked, keeping her tone light, conversational, as she climbed up the steps towards the console. The Doctor leant over and turned a dial a few clicks before giving Yaz a bright beam.  
"Of course I am." she said, lightly, "You know me. Can't sit still for long." she chuckled, just a little, easily flicking two switches with her fingertips. "Gotta get on the move again."  
"Doctor, you know you're supposed to have at least three months of that theray, preferrably more, right? I pretty much cleared out my bank account." Yaz said, softly.   
"And mine as well." Graham added, with a mutter. The Doctor frowned just a little, lifting her head a touch to look at them.  
"Empty pockets." she said, softly. "Don't worry, I'll do - something about that. Remind me when we get back."

"Doctor. Don't dodge the question." Yaz said, a little more firmly. The Doctor's brow furrowed, the little wrinkle between them deepening noticably. She hesitated, and then straightened, looking across at Yaz.  
"Time ship." she said, softly. "I'll go to the next one in a week, give or take. It won't be too difficult to hop to it." she smiled again, but it was gentle rather than manic. "I made you a promise, Yaz, I intend to keep it. Don't worry." there was a momentary frown on the young woman's face, but she finally gave a slight nod, allowing it. As if permission had been granted, the Doctor clapped her hands and darted away, throwing a few more switches.

"I'm thinking, there's a beautiful planet just off the Harneenas Strait, it has two suns in an orbit with a red dwarf sun, it creates the most unbelievably beautiful skies. Almost all of the planet is ocean, but because of the collison that formed it, the land runs in an almost perfect ring all the way around it." she said, brightly, "A sea on each side, and this strip in the middle. It's absolutely phenomenal." she looked up at the fam.  
Graham was awkwardly rubbing a hand over the back of his head as Ryan shuffled his feet just slightly. She felt her smile start to fall away as she considered the pain of them, leaning away from the console now, straightening her spine. Socially awkward, yes, but not totally oblivious to clues like this.

"What? What is it?"  
"Well, Doc, it's just ... me and Ryan have been talking, right, and this is the - spending time, travelling with you, it's been the most - incredible thing I've ever done, but -" the smile had slid off her face like butter, shoulders slowly drooping.   
"We think we might - go back to our normal lives, Doctor." Ryan said, as Graham petered out. "I mean, it's been great, but you know I've gone back to college. I wanna really make a go of it with the engineering." he admitted. "And I think if I leave again I ain't ever gonna get back to it."  
She found that smile coming back, gently, slowly, as she nodded. Thoughtfully, her thumb rubbed her wrist. Although they were now long healed, rubbing the marks from the cuffs had become a bad habit.

"And, y'know. I love travellin' with you, Doc, but I ain't young. I mean, I'm - I think I'm ready to settle back to real life. I like - goin' to the pub on Sundays and playing cards with my mates, y'know?" she nodded, slowly, drawing her lips into something that was almost a smile - squishing them near-straight, blowing her cheeks out for a second.  
"So ... this is it?" she asked, softly, walking around the console to be nearer to them. She leant her hips back, against the edge of it. "Staying at home?"   
Graham and Ryan nodded, slowly.   
"It's been great, Doc. Honestly. And maybe, y'know, every now and then - wouldn't mind a nice trip. Relaxing. No chance of death?" he gave a short chuckle. "Ah, I shouldn't ask for the impossible, should I?"   
The Doctor couldn't help but chuckle, the fam joining in, ducking her head just a little.

"Yaz?" she asked, and her voice was a lot softer now, looking across at her friend. Yaz, who'd understood more than the lads ever could, who had given - so much of her life to make the Doctor feel ever close to whole again. "Is it over for you too?"  
"Get off, is it." she objected, and whilst the lads laughed the Doctor couldn't help but beam, so bright it was like the space was filled with sunbeams. "Y'ain't gettin' rid of me that easy, Doctor, don't you dare try. Anyway, without me, who would make sure you went to therapy?" she pointed out, as the Doctor crinkled her nose just a little. "Don't you go makin' that face!"  
"Sorry. Still doesn't sound right. _Me_! Goin' to _therapy_!" she paused, and gave an exaggerated shudder, hearing the ripple of giggles around the room.

"You ... sure you don't want one more trip? For old time's sake?" she asked, softly.   
"Can you guarantee you're gonna drop us off in the right place, Doc?" Graham asked, as she leant in a little, sensing a weak spot.  
"Yeah, I mean, it's not so bad when you can spend every day doin' nothing," Ryan ignored Graham's offended oi!, as he continued, "But I can't take any time off my course, y'know."  
"Of course I can! Where's your faith?" she asked, with affected offence. Graham and Ryan shared a glance, clearly considering ... "Call it payback for lookin' after me, alright?" she said, lightly, "Fun trip, nice and easy, we can go somewhere relaxing." she suggested. 

There was a moment where everything hung in flux, considering, hesitating, then -  
"Ah, go on then." Graham allowed. "Somewhere relaxing. Like the rain-bathing! That was really cool."  
"And then there were the death turtles." Ryan pointed out, dryly.   
"Yes, alright, alright, I promise. I'll keep it nice, fun, funky fresh."  
Looks of disgust passed between the fam. "Is funky fresh too far?"  
"Bit far, yeah."  
"Alright, not funky fresh. But we'll have a good time. Farewell tour!" she clapped, and then paused. "No. Don't like that. Not fairwell tour. I'm digressing. Right!" back to throwing switches and twisting knobs, the Doctor came to a stop on the other side to them.

"If the strip planet doesn't appeal to you, there's some other places we can go to, why are you lot giggling?" she stilled, resting her hands on the edge of the console to stare at them. Yaz tried to cover her mouth, ducking her head, but Ryan's giggles were the loudest. "Did I say something funny?" she quirked her eyebrows.  
"Honestly, Doctor, how are you so old and so naive?" Yaz giggled. "Strip planet?"  
"Planet of strippers? Sounds like a great time."  
"Ryan!" Yaz slapped his arm, "Ugh, you're disgusting."   
The Doctor's eyebrows were still wandering towards her hairline.   
"Don't worry about it, Doc. Where are we goin'?" Graham asked, taking a few steps towards the console. She reached forward and carefully turned the hourglass.

The wheezing, creaking noises were starting up again, a frisson of excitement between the three companions as they moved to slightly more secure places to stand as she practically flew around the console.   
"Well, I'm thinking - there's this planet where the uh, the lakes, rivers, anywhere where there's water - there was this process, few thousand years ago, that generated and immense amount of crystal. The environment's changed since then so now the water's completely safe for you." she clapped her hands, then smacked a couple of buttons, the creaking getting louder. "But when you look into the water, it's the most beautiful thing you could imagine. And every time the sun hits it, there's rainbows everywhere!"   
"Sounds very you."  
"Yeah, it is pretty me, thanks Yaz. Ready, fam?"

They glanced at each other, a little laughter between them.   
"Alright. Let's go." she wiggled her eyebrows and threw the lever.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm considering putting trigger warnings at the start of each chapter so people are prepared? This chapter is soft. I'm eight chapters deep and only just starting to hit angsty stuff so god knows what's happening.

  
"Oh, wow." it came out as a soft, wonderous whisper as they stepped down onto grass that was far more blue than green. It was strange, creating a rippling effect that was weird to human eyes used to other colours. Almost like water. Clusters of gold flowers created more shimmers, and in the distance, white rabbit-like creatures were leaping out of the long blades, dancing, playing. 

Yaz looked up at the sky, finding herself smiling, mouth opening in a wide grin. The Doctor was the last one out, inhaling deeply, air fresh and crisp. It was warm, but not too warm - an ever so slight breeze. The perfect day.   
"April Twenty-fifth." she murmured to herself. Ignoring the confused glances from the fam, she hopped down and set off at a neat clip up the slight hill they were on, grinning to herself. She actually felt pretty good. Relaxed. The tension had eased out of her, and being on the move again was fantastic, actually. She was recovering, but travel was what she was designed for, had always been designed for.

"Fam, come on!" she called over her shoulder, coming to the crest and looking out. Yaz was the first one up, then Ryan, Graham bringing up his usual rear. She heard the rippling gasp as they saw what she had spotted. The sun was more red than their own, and it was early evening if it moved at the same pace as the sun back on Earth. The beams were striking low against a hill opposite, and gilding it all until it actually looked green. Down in the basin of the valley, there was a deep river running in a slightly wiggly line; where the lights flickered across the top, it was casting amazing, rippling rainbows into the sky.

"That's gorgeous." Yaz said, softly.   
"Honestly, Doc. Beautiful." Graham said, swallowing hard. "Can we go down there?"  
"'Course." she smiled, "Might be a bit chillier down there, though. Did you want a picnic?"  
"Did you pack one?" Graham perked up, looking excited.  
"Oh, yeah, you gotta pack a picnic to have one." the Doctor mused, thoughtfully, frowning.   
"Well, I mean, you do have food in the TARDIS, right?" Graham asked, and the Doctor nodded, rubbing at her chin.  
"This looks so much better with a beard. Should I grow one? I'd look great with a beard."  
"Doctor, you can't grow a beard, you're a woman." Yaz giggled.   
"I bet I could, if I applied myself. You humans and your gender, honestly." a grin flickered onto her face as Yaz nudged her shoulder into her friend.

"Right, tell you what," Graham clapped his hands together, and the Doctor startled just slightly. Yaz wouldn't have noticed the ever slight jump if her shoulder hadn't been brushing the Time Lord's. She reached out, catching the Doctor's hand and holding it carefully, not missing the ever so slight dipping of hazel eyes and the gentle smile. She squeezed back, grateful for Yaz being there.   
"Me and Ryan, right, we are goin' back to the TARDIS, and we're going to make a nice little picnic. You two can come with us, if you want, or we'll meet you back out here?" they suggested.

"I think we'll wander around a bit." Yaz said, lightly, "I've got me phone, just give me a ring if you can't spot us." the Doctor had modified all their phones an age ago, before everything had gone off the walls bonkers, and even if there was no signal, they would be able to reach each other. Even in other time zones! It was pretty cool, really. They couldn't keep track of the time where they were, though, always showing the time back home instead. Still. Usefulness outweighed any confusion that might cause, in the long run.

"Shall we go for a wander?" Yaz asked, as Graham and Ryan headed off towards the solid blue box. Beaming at her friend, the Doctor nodded, before stepping away, letting go of the hand - carefully, letting the contact end naturally. She appreciated the support but she was okay, doing better. And so she set off again, walking along the ridge of the hill, feeling the warmth where the sunlight hit her side. She smiled back at Yaz, who was following.  
"So, what d'you think?" she asked, lightly.  
"It's beautiful." Yaz said, softly, watching the rabbit-like creatures running and boxing nearby. "Is it inhabited?"  
"Hmm?" she bent down and grabbed a blade of grass, shoving it into her mouth and chewing.   
"Ew." she wrinkled her nose, "Why d'you do that?"  
"Lots to learn from grass." she straightened, rolling it either side of her mouth, then swallowing. "And this grass, funnily enough, is actually safe for humans. Tastes kinda refreshing, almost minty. High levels of vitamin, good amount of fibre, lots of water. Good for your digestion."

"I'll... take your word for it." Yaz said, shaking her head. "Why y'eatin' the grass, Doctor?"  
"Trying to figure out when we are. Ah!" she hopped up again, stretching out her back, "Right, there are people, but they're still fairly nomadic and kinda new." she admitted, "Basic, very basic huts and technological, incredible start to the music scene, though!" she said, brightly, "Gonna be really fantastic people. Nearest settlement is, ooh ... fifteen miles that-a-way?" she pointed vaguely, frowning, "So not really in danger of encountering anyone. Shame, but it'll make for a nice picnic."  
Yaz nodded, looking at the creatures again. On second viewing, she could see they had more legs than it looked like at first - at least six. 

"What are they?"   
"Ooh, they are... hmm." she thought, crunching her nose up, tapping the sonic against her lip. "I know what they are, but the language changes, grows. At this point, they're called Lees."   
"Lees? Like, a bloke name Lee?"  
"No, more, uh - Lee-suh. Like the nickname for people called Lisa? My accent, it's mangling it a bit." she admitted, frowning a touch.  
"Lees." Yaz murmured, playing with the word as they kept walking. There was a riffle of activity nearby, and a group of them sprung up, taking off across the grass, leaping and bouncing and playing. She couldn't help but grin. "They're so cute."

The Doctor nodded, pausing, looking down into the valley again, moving a little over the grass. This really was a beautiful place. A little cooler as the sun was heading towards setting, but they had a good hour or two of light, plenty of time to enjoy a nice picnic, at the least. It would be darker in the valley, but as they walked, the land was starting to flatten down a little.   
"Aha!" she said, brightly, "Look - down there?" she pointed, and Yaz stopped next to her, peering. "The valley's flattened out. So we can be by the river, but still in the sun." she said, lightly, and Yaz grinned widely at her.   
"Perfect." she said, "Good idea."  
The Doctor moved down the slight slope, jogging lightly with the angle, heading towards the river. The rainbows here were more intense, creating an incredible shimmering air.

"This is fantastic, Doctor. Thank you." Yaz said, and she shrugged with a faint smile.  
"Bit boring, really." she said, "Thought I'd keep it easy. Last adventure for Graham and Ryan." her throat bobbed a little, a flicker, just a tightening of her features for a few seconds - shadows under her eyes. "Still! Picnic's a great idea." Yaz came to a stop next to her, wandering over to the side of the river. As they walked, her phone began to vibrate.   
"Hold on, Doctor, give me a second. Yeah? Oh, yeah. Head to where we were before then turn left. We've been walking that way. When the valley dips in, that's where we are. You'll see us." she said, and then hummed and hung up.

"They got the picnic?" the Doctor asked, brightly, as Yaz nodded. She kept walking, head high and shoulders back, looking towards the warm rays of the sun. The smell of clean, fresh water and the burbling river was getting clearer. The movements slowed, growing more sluggsh, and Yaz came fully alongside her, looking at the Doctor's face. She'd learnt, in the last few weeks, that she had to trust her instincts. The Doctor might be an alien, ancient and incredible, but there was so much that was so human to her. And Yaz's instincts were good, after all - she was starting to understand the Doctor. Perhaps.

She knew something was wrong.

It was like the shadows had deepened. She came to a full stop, swaying just slightly, and Yaz frowned. She reached out to take the Doctor's hand, giving it another squeeze, feeling the slight twitching of fingertips.  
"Y'okay?" she kept her voice soft. Cautious. Her hazel eyes flickered for a moment, a hand raising to rub at them, the tightening lines making her look older. "Doctor, hey - talk to me?"  
"I'm fine." she whispered. "Just - came over a bit tired, that's all." she mumbled.  
"You're pushing yourself too hard." Yaz said, "All this energy when you've spent the last few weeks relaxing. Come on, come sit yourself down." she gave a little tug on the Doctor's hand, and they covered the last dozen feet before sinking to sit on the plush grass. The Doctor stretched her legs out, leaning forward a little.

Cross-legged, Yaz peered into her face again. Familiar, almost, the lines of exhaustion.  
"I dunno, it doesn't feel like that." she mumbled. "Don't worry about it, Yaz. Picnic's just what I need." she said, gently, letting Yaz hold her hand and squeeze it again. It made Yaz feel better, that's what the Doctor told herself, not thinking too hard about how much better it made herself feel, too.


	3. Chapter 3

  
She did her best not the show the concern. The Doctor had been trying to leave for the last week, really, and it had taken Yaz this long to convince her to try to take it slow. Of course she wanted to get out, see the universe again, but she was worried. Perhaps she would always be worried about the Doctor, even without all the awful things she'd gone through. But the look of exhaustion in her face was worrying, the tired lines, the drawn and pinched expression. As if all the energy had flooded out of her. 

Letting her eyes flicker down, Yaz watched the way the Doctor's slender fingers were moving slowly across the grass. Her fingertips lingered, clearly losing herself in the soft, drifting sensation. Letting her eyes wander, Yaz peered at the shimmering water in front of her. It really was striking. In this light, rainbows were dancing across the Doctor's cheeks. It really was very her. She would've taken out her phone and snapped a picture, only it felt a different kind of wrong when the Doctor seemed to be out of it.  
"Do you need me to do a grounding technique?" she asked, softly, shifting to be a little bit more in front of her, in the Doctor's eyeline.

"Doctor? Hey. Hey. Grounding techniques. Do you need one?" the hazel eyes shifted to the deep brown ones and she smiled just a little.  
"I'm okay. Not having a panic attack." she said, gently. "Honestly. I just - I feel tired. It just hit me." she said, frowning, rubbing at her eyes again. "Good place to relax, though."  
"You had four pasa del natas for breakfast, you've definitely eaten." Yaz mused.   
"Good breakfast, that." the Doctor said, "Not as good as from a real Portugese café, but not bad for some cook from frozen ones." she smiled, a bright flicker in her eyes, and Yaz finally believed she was telling the truth. 

She moved, sluggish still, pulling off her coat; Yaz was always able to feel a sense of relief, seeing the smooth, healed skin of her arms, where she had been damaged before. It was a nice, physical sign of the healing, even if her mental healing was going to take - well. A hell of a long time, impossible to gauge. Yaz watched as she folded up her coat, plonking it down behind herself, and then settled down. Resting her head on the coat-pillow, Yaz smiled, looking at the Doctor staring up at the sky. She let her own head fall back, staring up. The sky was lit beautifully, the sunset sending shimmers of deep reds and golds through the blue. But there were stars starting to show through, immensely different to the ones that she was used to in her sky.

The Doctor looked - normal. That was good. She was wearing her usual, comfortable rainbow shirt, the suspenders and ridiculous blue trousers. She couldn't help but smile. She looked normal, and that was good. Yaz wasn't sure she would ever shake the look of the Doctor unconscious on the sofa, or the fear in her eyes, or the way she was still jumping when Graham clapped his goddamned hands - she felt a low rage, crushing it back down. The Doctor was about kindness, not anger. She did think, if she ever encountered that guard, she might actually try to kill him. But she would never, ever let the Doctor know that.

"You can fall asleep if you want. I'll wake you up when the picnic gets here. Although knowing Graham I bet the sun'll've set by then." she joked, and the Doctor grinned, even with her eyes shut. She angled her head towards Yaz, giving her a hint of hazel, eyes opening a slit.   
"Wouldn't surprise me. Doesn't get too cold, though. Has a gorgeous aurora." she murmured.   
"Well, maybe it'll be worth it." Yaz let the comfortable silence fall, glancing every so often at the Doctor's face as she rested. And she wondered, musing to herself, if the Doctor would ever have had enough trust to nap in front of her before all this trauma.

When Graham finally arrived, it was maybe twenty minutes later. Yaz had gone for a short wander, peering into the beautiful water, losing some time enjoying the incredible glimmer of the deep crystals under the surface. She couldn't figure quite how deep it was; the refraction made it impossible to tell. It really was incredible. And then she would glance back to see the Doctor, napping, one arm slung across her stomach and the other resting on the grass. At least she seemed to be peaceful.

When Graham and Ryan arrived, they called out, waving. Yaz hated to do it, but she knelt next to the Doctor and took her hand. Despite her attempt at being gentle, the Doctor still startled, eyes flickering open.  
"You're okay. Ryan and Graham are here with the picnic. How d'you feel?"   
She stretched languidly on the floor then hopped up with all the energy of a Lees.   
"I'm great." she said, brightly, "Could murder a cheese sandwich though. Hey!" she waved at the rest of the fam. Ryan was carrying a picnic basket over one arm, as they came down the hill carefully. Yaz reached out to take it from him.   
"Oof. What did you pack, most of the kitchen?" she plonked it on the floor next to the Doctor.  
"Blame granddad. He brought everything, honestly." Ryan rolled his eyes.

"Oi! Listen, a picnic is an important thing, you gotta do it right. We found this -" Yaz was pulled out a red and white checked cloth, "In a drawer in the TARDIS, figured it would work."   
Between the four of them, they easily got the blanket spread out, napkins, paper plates, and then the food. Graham had packed the basics, of course; cheese and tomato, cucumber and tuna, ham sandwiches, all cut into fancy triangles. Crisps, pickled onions, scotch eggs, little sausages, all sorts of snacks were disgorged; little fairy cakes, a huge packet of chocolate buttons and a tub of custard creams made up the sweets. The Doctor immediately reached for her biscuits, popping one into her mouth.

"Make sure you clean all this up, everything goes back in the basket when we leave. No sign of us, no waste. That's what you lot should do at home, but humans do love to make a mess." the Doctor had sat almost cross-legged, her feet pressed against each other, leaning forward and smiling. She'd slid her coat back on, a nod to the fact it was definitely a little cooler now, although it was pleasant enough. 

The humans dug in, with gusto. Noticing Yaz staring at her, the Doctor took a cheese and tomato sandwich, and then a second one.   
"I do love nibbles." she said, lightly, "Can't beat 'em. Oh, Graham, these aren't pickled onions." she'd picked the jar up, peering at the label, "I know they look similar. They're kinda the same! Only they're not onions. Not sure you'll like them." she popped the tight lid in one move, and Ryan started to guffaw, ignoring Graham nudging his ribs.  
"What? Did I make a rude joke again?" she asked.  
"Nah. Granddad here, he spent almost half the time back on the TARDIS tryna open that. Even I couldn't do it, and you did it in one go." he snorted.   
"Alright, cockle, don't lay it on so thick." he shook his head as she grinned, popping one in her mouth and offering it around.

Ryan liked them. They were surprisingly spicy, actually, a weird mid-ground between salt and sweet, although the vinegar tasted the same. Graham decided against them and Yaz couldn't make her mind up, although she was making good progress on the tuna sandwiches.   
It was weird, actually. She never really saw the Doctor eat proper food. A few custard creams now and again, she loved her biscuits, but she'd had to pretty much bully food down her back at the house. Sweet stuff definitely better.

"Are you a vegetarian?" she asked, suddenly, as Ryan and Graham's heads whirled around to look at the Doctor. "I mean, I've never seen you eat any meat. I don't think."   
The Doctor frowned, thoughtfully, musing over it.   
"I don't know." she said, finally. "Yeah. I guess I am? I mean. Not strict, I don't think. Still eat gummy bears and jelly babies. But I don't like the idea of eating - tuna or beef or anything."  
"I don't eat pork." Yaz shrugged a little, chewing the last tuna and cucumber sandwich. "Still throws some people, that."  
"You're Muslim, yeah?" Ryan asked, and she nodded. "Makes sense." he shrugged, happily shoving another ham sandwich into his mouth. 

The Doctor chuckled slightly. She still felt tired. It was weird. A different kind of exhaustion to what she was used to, actually. And whilst she'd been at Yaz's, she'd slept way more than normal, although of course she'd put that down to healing. The last week she'd been awake, like usual, catching a few half-hour catnaps and feeling fine. So she couldn't figure out where this wave of exhaustion had come from. She didn't like it, it was like her body was fighting her. Frowning just a little, she let herself stare off into space as the fam chatter, the light getting lower and lower.

When the air was cooled considerably, the sky was almost dark. No unnatural light, but above, streaks and splashes of stars and constellations began to glow. The whole place was lit up, and it was absolutely beautiful. Then the auroras started, rippling rainbows in the sky, like the crystals in the water. The fam was laid out on their backs, looking up at the sky, oohing and aaahing like it was the best firework display they'd ever seen. The Doctor got up, quietly, and moved away, walking along the edge of the riverbank.

It took a moment for Yaz to realise she was gone. Frowning, she got up too, catching up on light feet; she'd come to kneel on the bank, doing something with her sonic, soft whirls and hums joining the noises of the night.   
"What's up?" she asked, crouching. The Doctor glanced sideways, smiling just a little.   
"Keepsake. Usually against this, but it won't do any harm. Ah - here." she pulled the sonic awake, and held out a chunk of crystal for Yaz, one edge rough where she'd broken it away but the rest smoothed by years of water.

"Wow." she whispered. It was maybe an inch thick and a few inches long. It shimmered, irridescent, pink-purple and whites, and as she moved it carefully, it threw tiny rainbows onto the ground. "That's beautiful." the Doctor smiled, then glanced back at the water. Holding the cool, damp chunk, Yaz frowned a little. "What's up? C'mon, talk to me." she said, softly, "Or will I have to drag it out of you at therapy?" she pushed.  
"I just..." the Doctor shook her head, letting out a slow breath. "Keep thinking I'm okay, then something - happens. Graham clapping his hands. Suddenly getting tired. I almost hit the door the other day when Ryan shut it a bit too hard. I had to get out of that house. I need... the universe." she sighed. "And now it'll be just us. Of course - that's gonna be fun." she chuckled, a little. "But I want to be better."

She let a minute or so drift by, the Doctor still squatting, resting her elbows on her knees. She was looking up at the lights in the sky now.  
"You shouldn't think of it that way." she said, finally, softly. "It's not a case of getting better, Doctor. It's not an - illness you're getting over, it's not an injury to heal." she murmured, "What happened to you - that kinda thing, it messes with you deeper than that. Progress won't be linear, Doctor. Some days things will be easy and other days they'll be hard. Do you even listen to the therapist?" she nudged the Doctor's shoulder, coaxing a little half smile out of her.

"Alright, alright. I get it." she said, softly. "Sorry, Yaz. Don't mean to be a downer. Let's grab the lads and pack up, yeah?" she suggested. Yaz nodded, and turned to go, letting the Doctor have just a moment to herself. She rubbed her eyes again, taking a deep breath, and stiffened her shoulders. She was fine. Just the trauma geting to her, she was sure - that deep sense of unease would clear with time.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Vomiting makes it's first appearance of many occasions! Only real trigger warning in this chapter.

  
Still tired. Not a fan of being tired, actually, really not a big fan. So much time, wasted! Honestly! She could be doing important things, things like fixing up the TARDIS, and getting things prepped for their future trips, and not being asleep. But here she was. Sitting on Graham's sofa, again. 

The journey back had been fine, even if she'd been a bit sluggish. The Doctor had moved with her usual skill, flying her ship one handed, as Graham mumbled every time they were thrown about. He'd over-indulged on the little cakes, and all that sugar was churning up rather unpleasantly in his stomach now, especially with the lemonade he'd been drinking. Feeling like a bit of a twat, actually, but he was keeping up his complaints the whole time. 

"Right, well, fam. Same day! Almost." she admitted, looking out at the dark street, lit by the occasional streetlamp and the ambient light from nearby buildings. "A few hours out. I guess you guys are off, yeah?" she said, lightly, looking at Graham and Ryan.   
"Tell y'what, Doctor," Yaz had said, slowly, carefully - considering the lines under the Doctor's eyes. "How about you come kip on the sofa? One last time. Then we can start fresh tomorrow morning, first thing, into an adventure? How does that grab you?" 

It seemed the Doctor was smart enough to realise it wasn't actually a request, and she'd allowed it. She'd kicked off her boots, flopped onto the sofa - now a very familiar bed - and had been flat out in the cushions within a minute. Yaz frowned, at the sight, that disquiet sitting in her stomach. Ryan promised to swing by in the morning before college, Graham went to bed. She grabbed a quick shower then slipped into the spare room again, falling asleep too, hoping she'd be up and at it when they got up.

She wasn't. She was asleep, although Yaz had only had about six hours. One arm trailed on the floor, the other shoved under the cushion. She was letting out short, snuffly little snores and drooling in a remarkably unattractive way into it, though, rather than the dead-like sleep she'd been in all that time before. Far less terrifying. Yaz smiled, puttering around the kitchen, making a cup of tea and prepping a mug for Graham and the Doctor, when they got up. She sipped on her own drink, leaning her hips against the drawers, watching.

Not long after, with a start, the Doctor stirred. The problem was that she startled so badly she fell off the sofa, jumping up and flailing her arms in a way that was clearly meant to be intimidating.   
It wasn't, it looked like she was trying to fight off a bunch of bats and win a dancing contest at the same time.  
Doubling over with giggles, Yaz managed to put down her mug off tea on the side, wrapping arms around her torso and wheezing. Maybe it was mean, but the Doctor with drool on the side of her face and half her hair sticking up, it sent her into wheezes.

"Oi!" she wandered over, rubbing at her face with the coat sleeve, scowling. "I'm awake. Where's mine?"  
"Here." she poured the still-hot water. "I'll make it for you." she was still suppressing little bouts of giggling, not able to stop herself. As she woke up properly the Doctor got less grouchy, at the least, still rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.   
"Weird." she mumbled, "Not a big fan of bein' sleepy, if I'm honest with you, Yaz." she told the young woman, shaking her head.  
"Sleep's great, dunno what you're talking about." she finished stirring the tea and slid it to the Doctor.

Holding it in both hands, she smiled just a little, breathing deeply of the lovely, aromatic steam. God, Tea. She loved tea so much. Best thing that humanity ever invented, although the custard cream was an ever so close second. Humanity and food. A match made in heaven. She savoured that first sip, the one that was almost too hot to taste, that stung and burnt the taste buds before the flavour could actually flourish through. The sweetness of her sugars (always five), the creaminess of the milk - match made in heaven. Proper Yorkshire tea with proper Yorkshire water.

A perfect first sip. She smiled, lowering her hands, holding the warm mug and savouring the comfort. And then there was a low, twisting feeling that really shouldn't be happening. Familiar. Oh, so familiar, and so unwanted. Nausea flooding her, she shoved the mug down, knowing now there was a ticking timer running in the back of her head. In the path between stomach and mouth - she had to be quick.

Feet scrabbled as she moved, Yaz's concerned exclamation running over her head. Bathroom door thrown open, skidding onto her knees, the Doctor hunched over the bowl of the toilet. Heaving, desperately, bringing up the bile and then the almost-digested remnants of their picnic last night. She'd eaten a lot, for her, heaving over and over until nothing but thin bile was escaping. Shivering violently, she slumped against the bath, remembering everything she didn't want to remember. And there was Yaz, crouching next to her, sliding over a glass of clear water with two ice cubes floating in it.

"Sip it." she said, gently now, a hand reaching back and oh-so-delicately sliding a few strands of hair from the Doctor's face, unsticking them from clammy skin. "Take it slowly, Doctor." her eyes were filled with deep worry. Lifting the water, she chased away the foul, bitter taste of the bile and the acidic burn in her throat. There were ripples over her shoulders, little shivers, and there was only pity in the human's eyes as she considered the Doctor, ever so cautious. "Come on. Sip." the ice cubes rattled as Yaz helped her hand, letting the Doctor sip carefully on it.

"Any idea what caused this?" she asked, after a few moments. "You eat too much at the picnic yesterday? Doesn't seem like you." Yaz murmured, peering at her face. "Is it a panic attack?" she seemed stable enough, but rushing off to throw up? Definitely not like her. "Doctor, talk to me."  
"No, I'm - sorry." she mumbled. Sipping again, shutting her eyes. "The tea set it off. Dunno." holding the glass in both hands was grounding. Her stomach was aching, the nausea threatening again, but she knew there was nothing left to come up. Yaz frowned at her again.  
"Mind if I -?" she held up a hand and the Doctor gave a tiny shake of her head, allowing the touch on her forehead. "You don't feel hot."  
"I'm feeling better." she said, honestly. 

And it was true. The strange nausea seemed to have completely faded, and she was feeling ... okay. Actually, pretty good. She stood up, slowly, and Yaz stayed next to her, still concerned.  
"Are you sure we should leave? Throwing up isn't like you." she said, softly. "Maybe you need more time -"  
"No. No more time, Yaz. I'm fine. Probably just too much food all at once." she'd put back the weight she'd lost in prison, mostly through Graham's excellent cooking, the occasional nausea spike having mostly vanished. Not that she had ever actually told even Yaz about that, keeping that little secret hidden with her ginger sweets and smiles. 

The same as her headache, in fact. Tucked out of sight, ignoring the pain, driving through it. Ginger-laced humbugs to ease the throbbing in her skull. Although now, at least, the scorching sensation in her body was more from the bile than her head. Easier. Standing, the Doctor rolled her spine, grimacing.   
"I - yeah. I feel fine. Honestly, fine." she admitted. Yaz still looked sceptical. "Don't worry, we won't leave until we say goodbye." she headed back into the kitchen, letting Yaz trail behind her, still uncertain. Dunking her ice water on the side, the Doctor picked up her tea and took a long sip. The heat was comforting, and the nausea - was completely gone.

"Weird, that. Still hurts a bit." she admitted, touching her neck, "But I don't feel sick any more. All cleared up." it had been jarring. She finished her tea but decided against eating any breakfast, still not sure what was going on with her stomach and it's upset. Or the weird wave of tiredness that had been haunting her, actually. She felt okay, and okay would have to do. Yaz was munching on some toast with jam when Graham finally emerged.  
"Alright, ladies?" he yawned, and Yaz hopped up.  
"I'll make y'some tea," she said, lightly. "You want some toast? You can have the Doctor's."  
"You not hungry, love?" her asked her sleepily.  
"Fine, me. Ate too much yesterday, got a bit of a dicky tummy." she didn't miss the narrowed eyes, but Yaz didn't push her to say more.

"Alright, no worries." Graham said, shrugging and helping himself to the pieces of toast. It wasn't long after there was a Ryan at the door, and Yaz could feel the incoming sense of - not loss, that wasn't the right thing. But almost when you left a sick relative, the feeling of there being - the potential that it was a permanent goodbye. The universe was dangerous, and all of them had changed. But Yaz knew, even if she'd wanted to, she couldn't leave the Doctor to go into the universe alone. She would need to attend her therapy, she wouldn't do well alone, and - honestly - Yaz still wanted to see all the incredible things that were out there.

They let an hour of joking, laughing, chatting slip by. The Doctor slipped a humbug into her mouth, the burn pleasant and the mint good for her tender stomach. She laughed and smiled along with the rest, but it was clear she was antsy, eyes constantly turnng towards the door. Finally, Graham took pity.  
"Right, Doc, it's been great," he said, lightly, "But I think you're bein' rude, now, overstayin' your welcome." he grinned.   
"Oi!" Yaz objected, as he laughed.   
"Just saying."  
"Alright, Graham!" the Doctor went for dramatic, hopping up, "Come on, Yaz, know where I'm not wanted." she joked. "I'll miss you, y'old fart." she laughed. Graham moved in for a hug, and Yaz noticed the way her shoulders stiffened, making no move to respond. Ryan hesitated, then offered her a hand to shake. She did that instead, clearly grateful.

Yaz hugged them both tightly, squeezing, as the Doctor lingered by the door. She smiled a little, opening it as soon as they'd broken apart.  
"You two better stay in touch, alright?" Graham said, sharply. "No disappearing for months at a time. Promise me!"  
"Don't worry. You'll see us every week." Yaz said, with a grin, "Dragging her back for her therapy sessions, right?" they all grinned at the _ugh_ that reached them from that. "Don't worry." she said, gently. "I'll definitely keep you in touch."  
"We'll give you a trip every so often." the Doctor called. "Come on, I wanna go." she stepped out into the bright, cool air, gratefully. 

"See y'later." Yaz said, one last hug, then joined the Doctor outside. The lads waved out the window as the Doctor brightly waved back, already seeming more perked up just because of the fresh air. Yaz had noticed that more and more, actually. Walking, movement of any kind, it definitely brought the Doctor to life ... and not being inside, in fact. Air, open skies. She was sure that would get better as she recovered. Each therapy session was a step towards her being happy again, right? Right. 

They reached the TARDIS, that beautiful, sturdy blue box. The Doctor patted the side of it as she stepped inside, grinning, and Yaz paused in the doorway a moment. She smiled at Sheffield, and shut the door behind herself, ready to see more of the universe.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk where all this soft stuff is coming from, don't worry, the angst is building up.  
> Anyway, no real trigger warnings here, lots of food stuff.

  
She watches as the Doctor near enough dances around the console, starting to smile a little brighter. This is where she belongs, really. Pushing aside the worry about earlier, about all the sleeping and the throwing up, Yaz hopped up the last step and watched that whirlwind of energy. Her coat was flaring out around her with each turn, the TARDIS humming as if excited. The ship really was alive, it was so clear as she touched the warm pillars... hearing the faint whistles and beeps. The Doctor leant over to smack a switch right at the top of the console.

"I don't know how you fly this thing." Yaz mused. "I mean, obviously I don't, but - how was one person ever meant to fly this?" she asked, raising her eyebrows.   
"Oh!" she popped around, peering from the other side, beaming at her, "That's because it's not."  
"It's not?"  
"Nah! Meant to be six Time Lords to one of these." her hands tightened on the edge of the console, and a sharp breath escaped the Doctor's lips, but she was moving again and Yaz had been distracted by the movement of the centre column.   
"That's mad. And you fly it alone? You must be really good, then."  
"Nah. Failed the exam, actually. Failed most of 'em." Yaz started to laugh in disbelief, now the Doctor was back on the nearest side, twisting that glowing hourglass with an easy flick of her wrist.   
"So how did you learn?"  
"Figured it out as I went. Did try to use the manual but I uh... lost it. Into a supernova. Such bad luck." she grinned.

"Yeah, sounds it." Yaz said, dryly. It was so - odd, not having Ryan and Graham with them. But she was going to have to get used to that strange quiet, wasn't she? Wandering around as the Doctor kept dialling information in. "Can I help?"  
"What?" she jolted up, then started to smile. "Nah. Not that I don't think you're capable, it's just - big and complicated. Maybe one day." she said, softly. "TARDIS likes you, though." she beamed. "Trust me, I know who my ship likes." 

Feeling a weird sense of pride, Yaz moved, sitting herself down on the console seat, legs swinging just slightly as she smiled.   
"Where are we goin'?" she asked, finally, brightly. It was great, watching the Doctor moving around, setting co-ordinates, back where she was supposed to be. "Or is it a surprise?"  
"Oh! I am taking you to a market." she said, "I love markets. They're great. Although..." she paused, "They never seem to go well for me. Doesn't matter! It's this really fantastic place. A trade market, so, go grab some things you're happy to trade away. Can be anything! Anything at all!"  
"What about you?"   
"Oh, I've got loads of stuff in m'coat," she said, grinning. "Don't worry, I'm all set."

Hopping up, Yaz went to her room, digging around for anything she'd be happy to trade. She wished she'd known about this, because there was tons of junk in her room. Most of the stuff on the ship, she was usually fairly attached to. But she found a handful of trinkets - mostly costume jewellery, a couple of paperbacks she'd brought from home and then gotten bored of after finding the TARDIS library. She really did have to go back there again soon. It was really nice... with her bag, she went back to the console room, smiling. 

"Y'ready?" the Doctor asked. Yaz danced over, putting her hand on the lever with the Doctor's - tucking aside the calming thought that her tempertaure was normal - and pulling it down. She almost fell as they were immediately jolted, the Doctor laughing as she danced away, back around the console. Buttons, levers, switches - Yaz stumbled off to hang onto a crystal, laughing breathlessly along with the Doctor. She was so alive, and it was incredible. 

When they landed, with a jolt, she hopped up. The Doctor had already lept down the steps, moving to the doors, resting her back against the little wooden box. She grinned, gesturing at the handle.  
"Come on, Yaz." she said, "Come have a look."   
Beaming, she followed the Doctor into the doorway, and hesitated, before throwing the door wide. The rush of sound and smells was immense, and as her feet stepped onto alien ground, an excitement that was like nothing else rushed through her. It was the addictive, heady feeling of doing something no human had done before, experiencing incredible things ... 

Spices; foods cooking, crackling; shouts and calls; smoke in the air; more and more things she still couldn't place. The Doctor stepped out behind her, shutting the TARDIS door. She was looking up now, at the great wooden slats around them, fabric and banners strung between them, a million different colours. Her eyes were wide with wonder, as she took it all in, and the Doctor grinned.   
"Nothing like it." she said, "Shall we see what's for sale?"  
"Deffo." Yaz hopped on her heels a little, feeling like a child again.   
"Don't wander off, alright?" The Doctor said, "Really easy to get lost in a place like this."   
They stepped out into a busy alley, moving along with the flow of people. The first thing they reached was a stall with great, deep dishes full of spices, in so many colours, more than she could imagine. Yaz breathed deeply, reminded of her Nani's cupboards at home, but more and more here.

"Best spices in the quadrant," grunted a gruff voice, their head oddly flat with ragged hair, falling like bushels to half-hide three eyes. They looked so very alien, not just because of vivid blue skin, that Yaz was astounded, blindsided. "Taking trade or credit."  
"Ah, we're just browsing, thanks." the Doctor said, lightly, "Great stuff, though." to one side of them, a human-like but incredibly tall and skinny form had bent down, handing over a few silvery discs for a large scoop of a black spice into a fabric bag. They moved off again, and the Doctor led Yaz along.

"That was incredible." she whispered. "What did he mean, credit?"  
"Well, money's a trading good as much as anything else," the Doctor said, lightly, "So you can offer trades for cash, pretty much, but they do take other items, too. Just gotta find something they find interesting!" she explained, with a grin.   
"That's really cool." Yaz said, as they went past a few other stalls, the Doctor steering her quickly. She caught a glimps of pelts, of some kind, and could understand why she'd been moved along.   
"That stuff's toxic," she said, gesturing at trays of - mushrooms? Or similar, "So don't get close. Ah! This isn't, though." she beamed. There was jewellery laid out.

This vendor seemed to have eyes over most of their body. Yaz was trying very hard not to be spooked, but she supposed it made sense. She looked over everything on the table, slowly.   
"Is this gold?" she asked. The trader looked confused, a dozen eyebrows quirking.  
"Oh, hold on." the Doctor scanned it. "Oh! It's Pybyranian? Kinda like gold, same sorta value," she said, lightly, "But it has mild healing properties. Bit stronger than silver." she said.   
"It's beautiful." Yaz whispered, "Can I pick it up?"  
The vendor nodded, and she held it up to the light. It was a bracelet, with delicately carved little leaves all over it.   
"Okay, um, I wonder - is there anything I have you'd be interested in?" she pulled the items out of her bag.

The vendor held out a hand, an eyeball in the palm - oof, she couldn't figure how that could be comfortable - to look more closely. Then the finger pointed - at one of her books, with an excited chittering. Shoving everything back in her bag, she offered the book over, watching as it was taken and leafed through.  
"It's, um. It's a book." she said, lightly, "From Earth. _The Life of Pi._ It's about a guy who gets stuck on a boat with a tiger, a um, a really - dangerous earth animal." Yaz explained. He chittered and nodded, excitedly, taking the bracelet from her and wrapping it in a few sheets of paper before handing it over. Beaming, Yaz thanked him and tucked it into her bag, looking around for the Doctor. Despite her previous words, she'd wandered off a good dozen feet, only her blonde hair making her easy to spot.

"Doctor! I made a trade. Y'okay?" she asked, seeing the mildly glazed look in her eyes. The Doctor startled, then nodded, a faint smile coming back.   
"Good trade?"  
"Great trade!" she said, happily, "Never seen anyone get so excited by an old book."  
"Oh! Books are really, really valuable, Yaz." she said, happily, "Most media in this time has been digitized. Books are incredibly good, traditional, proper, hold-it-in-your-hands books." she nodded.   
"What were you looking at?"  
"Just thought I saw something, nothing important." she shrugged a little. "Let's keep going. Y'hungry?"

They kept walking, moving through the crowds. The Doctor's head kept snapping around at random, and Yaz started to feel - worried. Like her anxiety was spiking. She still wasn't a hundred per cent. Maybe this was too much, too soon? But she'd been doing so well ...   
"Come on. Over here!" she gave Yaz's hand a tug over to a busy stall. The smells coming out of it were gorgeous, frying and sweet. "It's Hezbez."   
"Hezbez?" she queried, raising an eyebrow.  
"Kinda like if an apple and a melon had a baby?" the Doctor said, thoughtfully, "Really nice, deep fried, crispy batter, light but filling at the same time. You'll love it." she was digging in her pocket as they finally got to the front of the queue. She handed over a few glass beads, making the vendors chitter, and got handed two of the greasy treats.

They were maybe the size of her spread hand, an inch or so thick, hot and wrapped in greaseproof paper. Moving away from the crowds a little, Yaz crunched into hers, eyes widening. The Doctor's eyes were flickering over her, that sunlight beam back in place as she panted a little around the hot pastry.  
"That's incredible." but, well, with a mouthful of crispy Hezbez, it was more like 'haas inc-heh-bul', triggering an outpouring of giggling from the Doctor. They slipped into a gap between the tall buildings, like where they'd parked the TARDIS. 

When she was a few bites deep, she noticed the Doctor was looking up and away again, squinting at a murky window on a high floor. She was holding the hot pastry, but not eating it, as if totally distracted. Licking a little of the sweet juice off her lips, and wishing for a napkin, Yaz frowned.  
"Y'okay? You're not eating your - your hedgehog thing."  
"Hezbez." she murmured, distracted, before shaking it off, head swinging back to Yaz. Eyebrows drew in before one quirked up, lip following the pattern. "Hedgehog?"  
Yaz giggled, unable to help it, keeping her mouthful of pastry down as best she could.  
"Sorry. Couldn't remember. You still worried about getting sick?"  
"Eehn. No. Sorry. I keep thinking - doesn't matter. D'you want mine?"  
"No. You should eat it." she said, softly. "Please, Doctor?"

"Fine, fine." she murmured, before taking a bite. There was a moment before she dug in with gusto, eliminating the entire thing, licking her fingertips. Yaz hadn't even gotten halfway through hers, eyes widening in astonishment.  
"Thought you weren't hungry?"  
"So did I." she admitted. "Wonder if I'm gonna regret that." she admitted. "Probably."  
But she didn't feel sick. In fact, the food had apparently awoken her apetite. She felt almost desperately hungry, now, as they wandered back through the market. 

Yaz was drawn to a few more stands, and they spent quite a lot time with the Doctor considering various instruments, showing off to Yaz all the alien skills she knew. When the vendor realised they weren't going to buy anything, they got shooed away, giggling just a little. Actually, it had been - weirdly calm, for their adventures. And then they reached a stall that was kicking out beautiful smells, crackling meat that made her mouth water. The Doctor wandered over; it was almost like a bbq, with the dozens of pieces hanging there, slathered in sauce.

"I thought you were vegetarian?" she asked, quietly.  
"I am, I just - they smell - really good." she mumbled.  
"Veg'trian?" the vendor had four arms and a bright, young face, with long ears that swivelled constantly, almost like a naked rabbit. "Veg'trian!" they picked up a piece from the far end, the long stick with squared chunks, although covered in the same goo.  
"What're they made of?" the Doctor queried, curious.  
"Az'kpo!"   
"Oh!" she beamed. "Yes, I'll take that. Yeah. Here, uh ... one of these?" she had pulled out a small paper bag from her pocket, and shook it until - a patch fell out. The kind you sewed onto you jacket, with a picture of a dinosaur on it. They nodded eagerly and handed the stick over.

The Doctor decimated that, too, so quickly Yaz was astonished.   
"Y'sure you're okay?" she asked, watching as the Doctor dropped the stick into a curbside bin. "You're actin' off, Doctor. Maybe we should head back, now."  
"I feel fine. Just - really hungry all of a sudden. Must be because of bringing it all back up." she admitted. "I don't need to eat as much as you humans, not really, my energy requirements are totally different but I do get ... cravings." she admitted. "Usually just -"  
"Custard creams." Yaz interrupted, rolling her eyes with the hint of a grin. "We know."  
"But right now - I dunno. I wanna eat everything. S'weird." she admitted, rubbing the back of her neck.

"Maybe we should head back to the TARDIS." she murmured, eyes flickering up to the windows again. "I could've sworn I saw something, though..."  
"You keep sayin' that. Have you seen it more than once? Also, what's it?" Yaz frowned, "Be honest with me, Doctor, please?"  
"No, I'm not trying to lie to you, just every time I think I know what it is it's like it's - removed. From my head." she grimaced, a spark of pain in the back of her skull, and dug into her pocket for a humbug, popping that into her mouth.

"Well, let's head back a different way?" she suggested, clearly spooked as she considered the Doctor's face. "See a few other stalls, then go back to the TARDIS? We've been here, what, two hours? So we can go somewhere else...?" The Doctor frowned at the suggestion. They could wander through the miles of market all day. Looking up again, there was that sharp zing, sure she knew a face - her lips tasted like metal instead of teriyaki, and she realised what was happening. Blood turned to ice in her veins.

"Great idea, Yaz! Let's do that. Come on." she turned around, tugging Yaz by the arm, "Let's do that really, _really_ quickly."


	6. Chapter 6

  
"What's going on? What's the rush?" Eyes widened as she was tugged along, the frantic energy coming from the Doctor sending panic into her body. There was something wrong, wasn't there? Breathing hitched just a little as the cool hand tightened on hers, tugging against the flow of people and aliens, ignoring offended tuts and gasps when she pushed them past. Yaz mumbled apologies, not sure what had gotten into her. 

"Doctor? Doctor! Talk to me!" she jerked her hand out of the cool one, and the Doctor skidded to a stop. She threw her hands up in the air, ducking slightly, tension in every line in her face.  
"Yaz! We have to go, now. I'm here."  
"What d'you mean -"  
"Me, another me, there's another me here, I can taste the paradox like iron on my tongue. The universe seems to be turning a bit of a blind eye to me, but I still don't like to mess with it. And I don't know which version of me, either way - it's dangerous."  
"Do you remember coming here before?" she asked.  
"Yeah, I've been to this market loads of times, but I always go for different years, you always do everything you can to avoid yourself because it's too dangerous. I checked. I don't remember being here before, which means it's an older me." she said, sharply.

"So that you - should know you're here?" she asked, confused.  
"Unless something's happened, but it's too risky. The thing about a paradox, the universe really doesn't like them. And if you spend too much time with yourself, it can cause this - this temporal damage, in your head. It makes you forget. The older you, they'll remember, but me? I'd forget all of it, it would be gone. Wiped. And I am not having another one of my memories wiped."  
"That's why you couldn't remember what you were seeing." Yaz realised, eyes widening.  
"Exactly. So we need to go." she insisted.

Nodding, Yaz hoisted her bag onto her shoulder, letting the Doctor tug her along again - darting down the alley. There was her TARDIS, big, blue, beautiful. They didn't hesitate at the threshhold this time, as the Doctor darted to the console, wasting no time. Yaz shut the door firmly, sitting down on the console chair, watching as the Doctor zoomed around and finally threw the lever. The worry in her face made Yaz bite her lip, wanting to say something, do something to help. The ship threw her around a little, bracing her arm against the crystal pillar, to stop herself falling off the seat when they moved.

"What's going on, Doctor?" she finally said, softly, "If there's an older you and they were there, maybe they wanted to see you?" she suggested, uncertainly. "Why is it worrying you so much?"  
"Because I've had my memories wiped. Over and over again, and I'm not doing it again!"  
"You what?" Yaz sat forward, "When were your memories wiped? Well, I guess you wouldn't remember," she admitted, feeling a little dumb for saying that.  
"No. I do know why." she admitted, and grimaced again. The ginger wasn't numbing it, not for this conversation, "The Master showed me." clenching her jaw, she breathed slowly. "My past. Or - some of it, at least, some of what he found... huge swathes of my life. Gone." she swallowed hard. "Thousands of years, perhaps - perhaps even more - gone."

"Oh, Doctor." she whispered, horrified, "I'm so sorry -"  
"No. No, don't be sorry for me, Yaz. Please." her voice cracked, just a little. "I don't need pity. I'll find a solution." she swallowed hard and winced again, hand jerking up towards her head as the pain spiked, and then there was a warm hand on her shoulder.   
"It's okay." she whispered. "Doctor, it's okay. Hey. You're okay."   
Jolting, the Doctor realised -   
"I'm not having a panic attack." she whispered. "I'm fine. I'm fine! Just - just a headache."

"Okay, Doctor, I'm really not buying this. Y'actin' really weird. Is something wrong? Are you ready for this?" she said, sharply now. "Because I know you were going bonkers on Graham's sofa, I know that, but you threw yourself in at the deep end. Maybe we need to take it slow. Like yesterday." she murmured. The Doctor shook her head, even as Yaz drew her in for a quick hug, eyes filled with worry - squeezing her a little. Cautious, always, remembering how bad she had become with contact but - Yaz always seemed to be able to break through. A little more than the lads.

"The headaches ... happen when I try to think about it. What I was shown in the Matrix. The great, vast emptiness..." she grimaced, eyes shut. "It's like my brain knows the space is there so it's trying to fix it now, and - it can't. Or it can, but it's - it's shattering, it's -" she swallowed hard, feeling bile in her throat again. "There's fragments of memories I don't understand floating around in my head, and when I try to piece them together, there's this - this pain." she admitted, hand hovering over her face for a moment. "It's very distracting." when the hazel eyes opened, a little heavy lidded, turning to look at Yaz - they widened, startled. She looked so scared, and now guilt curdled more than the nausea this morning.

"It's fine. I'm fine."  
"Don't sound fine." Yaz whispered. "Sounds like you're in a hell of a lot of pain."  
"Been through worse." she mumbled.  
"That doesn't make me feel better, even if I know it's true."  
"Don't worry. I'm fine." the Doctor insisted, straightening up a little, and Yaz backed away, making no secret of the worry in her eyes, swallowing hard. "It'll clear up. Just - gotta figure how." she admitted.   
"Have you had that going on all this time?" Yaz murmured, biting her lip as the Doctor nodded slowly, curtains of blonde hair swishing. "Even when - "  
"It got a lot worse." the Doctor admitted, softly now, resting her palms on the side of the console, staring into the crystal. 

"When I came to you guys, when - all that was over - I guess my mind started to unpack it again." she mumbled. Reticent, even now. "The fight or flight was over, so it - it starts hurting again. And I don't think I was thinking too much about my past." she shook her head. "Doesn't matter. I'll find a solution. Sooner or later. Probably sooner. Where d'you wanna go next?"   
"What, that's it? Done talking about it?" Yaz whispered. "Gonna just, what, shut it down now? You can't talk about that at therapy."  
"Guess I can't. So, we could go to Reskob Five. Beautiful place. One through four were kinda a disaster, but they got the fifth one right! They found a planet with a gravitational tunnel running through it. The most incredible skydiving you could ever imagine." she beamed.

"Not that you're dodging the questions at all." the dry comment earnt a glare, and Yaz rolled her own eyes in response. "Look, Doctor, I still don't think you're well enough to be doing this. Especially not if you're like that. Maybe - we should go to that hospital again? Resus One?" she suggested. "I'm sure they'd help, right?"  
"Time Lord physiology is really, really difficult, Yaz." she said, quickly, "Even if we went there, they wouldn't be much ... use ..." she trailed off and frowned a little. "Not sure this is something they can fix, either." 

"Shit."  
"Language, Yaz!" she exclaimed, eyes widening, and that said Yaz into a muffled giggle, covering her mouth. She shook her head, turning away.  
"Don't! I'm mad at you!" she exclaimed. "Don't make me laugh."  
"Aw, but I'm good at it."  
"Yeah." she sighed, "You are. Weird not having Ryan and Graham here. So quiet."  
The Doctor nodded, thoughtfully. "I'll invite 'em back soon enough." she murmured, crinkling her nose. "So... Reskob Five? Skydiving? Well, planet-diving more like, so -"  
"Maybe not this time." she shook her head, "Can we go somewhere a bit more - well. Not normal. Know you don't do normal." she admitted. "Maybe - calmer than a market. Nice museum? Oh! I know!" her eyes widened.

"What?" the Doctor asked, starting to grin.  
"Zoo? Can we go to a zoo? I love zoos. I'd love to see some alien creatures, in a zoo, that would be super cool. But like - a nice one, y'know. A conservation one."  
"I have just the place." the Doctor grinned, "You'll love it. You can even feed the Wuwuwus." the beam got brighter as she moved around the console, and paused, "And we can grab some lunch."  
"How can you still be hungry?!"   
"Dunno." a faint frown flickered over her lips, brows furrowing. "But I am. Really weird. Let's go!"


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No real triggers except the doctor bein weird with food again. Honestly. Also this continues to be far softer than expected.

  
"This is awesome." Yaz was looking around, wide-eyed, unable to keep the wonder out of her eyes. It was phenomenal. It was almost like a zoo she knew, the big ones in London, but it was so immensely different. The Doctor had flashed the psychic paper and sweet talked the guy on the gate into giving them both the VIP wristbands, which were gold. When Yaz asked why the Doctor didn't just park inside, she pointed out all the points where the wristbands were checked.

"Nice and simple. Now come on, I'm starvin'." she insisted, before heading to the café. The rambles about how much she loved a little café in a zoo continued, and the Doctor flashed her wristband before she ordered, because VIPs got the free food bonus. And now here they were, sat at a wooden table, so reminiscent of every trip to every park she'd been on as a kid. Exactly the same, even galaxies away and an incredible amount of years into the future, the Doctor was digging into an immense pile of chips slathered in ketchup. 

It was weird, and Yaz still wasn't sure what was going on. It seemed the Doctor wasn't, either.   
"So, are we about to get attacked by alien wasps?"  
"Ah, nothing like that on this planet," the Doctor shook her head, "Nothing to worry about there. It's still pretty early, so I thought we could just run around excitedly from exhibit to exhibit, miss a huge chunk of it, then come back tomorrow and do everything we missed?" she suggested, triggering a bout of giggles. She had settled just for an ice-cream, in a flavour that was alien but tasted astonishingly like peanut brittle, whilst she watched the Doctor inhaling her chips.

"My mum always wanted to make a big plan, hit everything all in one day. Although we only ever did one day at a zoo, I guess that's why." she murmured, frowning just a little, "Mum didn't get the really good job until a few years back, actually. Then we did a bit more travellin' but we'd sorta gotten too old for things like Disney, y'know?"  
"Oh! Y'never too old for Disney! I could take you to the first opening day but it was a bit of a disaster, honestly," she admitted, "I should take you to their opening of their first space-park, oh! That was a good one." she beamed. "They got that one right, I gotta tell you." she mopped up the last of the ketchup with her last chip, licking her fingers clean - ignoring Yaz's nose-wrinkle of disgust - and finished off her soda, too.

"Right. Good to go." she patted her belly, and paused for a split second before the beam was back. She looked up at the clock over the snack shack, lots of young aliens running around them. The native folk had four legs, almost like centaurs, but the layout was - weird. They were very close together, the front legs - what Yaz thought of as the front legs, at least, where a human had them - were skinny and close together. The back sets seemed strong but much shorter. The kids had a way of suddenly pushing with the back ones and jumping as they played together. It was kinda cute, she mused. The parents mostly seemed to walk with the pairs in sync, but she tried not to stare. There were plenty of 'human-model' aliens, as she thought of them, still walking around. 

"They have the bord show at two."   
"Bird."  
"No, bords!" she beamed, "Kinda like birds but - round. Bords. It's awesome. I love a bord show." the Doctor admitted, "They bounce all over the place, it's the cutest thing you'll ever see." her eyes trailed past two kids bouncing around the place themselves. She smiled just a little. "Come on!"  
"Oi, don't run, I don't want you throwin' up again!" Yaz called, following after the billowing edge of the coat with a growing sense of unease.

She did agree to slow down enough for them to walk, enjoying looking at the exhibits on their route through the park. The bord show was as entertaining as promised, and they wasted the rest of the day quite contentedly. Nothing dramatic seemed to happen, no alien attack, just having a good time until the park finally shut. Yaz and the Doctor ended up in the gift shop, full of last-minute leavers like them. The Doctor had caught the sun on her nose and was squinting at the little red burn, which was making it hard for Yaz not to laugh. It came out that VIPs got some kind of token to spend in the shop; she picked out a soft toy bord in bright reds and greens with hers, whilst the Doctor ended up wearing out a Abr toy. They were snakelike, but with feathers all along their backs, so the effect was really that the Doctor was wearing a slightly possessed pink feather boa. It suited her.

But there was no doubt - she was flagging.  
"Has living with us messed you up that badly?" Yaz joked, looking at the slumped shoulders as they walked towards the space where she'd parked the TARDIS. She'd put it alongside all the strange 'cars', in it's own parking space. And she'd locked it like a car, double beep and all, as if she was trying to make Yaz do nothing but giggle today. Maybe it was a distraction, but she'd spent most of the day in a fairly good mood.

"Ah, I'm fine." The Doctor shrugged. Cocky words aside, there were shadows under her eyes, that looked unfamiliar. Shaking her head, Yaz scowled.   
"No, y'not. Y'look knackered. It was a great day, though." she allowed, hugging the stuffed Bord to her chest. "Knackered's fine. I'm gonna have a shower, grab a book and go to bed." she admitted. "Actually, I'm gonna have a shower, then dinner, then I'm going to bed." she corrected.  
"Got some repairs to do. Gotta pay her back for all that time I left her sitting there." the Doctor murmured, and Yaz frowned.   
"Why don't you wanna sleep?"  
"I don't need to! I'm fine."  
"I saw you this morning, Doctor, you were flat out all night. No nightmares?" they'd come up in the therapy sessions more than once. Of course she couldn't go into details about space wars and things, but Yaz knew enough.

"Mm." she frowned, a touch, "Nothing too bad. Didn't wake me up." she admitted. "Which is odd enough. I'll grab a catnap, I promise, alright?" Yaz sighed. "I never thought I'd end up with my companions babying me! Honestly."  
"It's 'cos I care, y'great numpty." Yaz murmured, accent a little thicker than usual with how tired she was, even if it was a good tired. "Alright. Well, give me a shout if you want some dinner." the Doctor nodded, taking off her coat and the stuff Abr, putting them aside.

Leaving her there, Yaz took her time having a shower, washing off all the sweat from the day. She could feel a few points where she'd caught the sun, too, but it didn't seem quite as sore as that vivid red streak on the Doctor's nose. Smiling to herself, feeling refreshed, she let the damp hair fall over her shoulders. Comfy pyjamas; she picked up her Bord, wanting it with her, and wandered to the kitchen, startled by the sight of the Doctor there. She was part way through a packet of custard creams, eyes widening as she was caught in the act.  
"And here I thought you were eating like a normal person." Yaz grinned, digging in the cupboard until she found a tin of soup. "You want one? Chicken, chicken noodle - oh wait, no. This one's erm... 'Mheewan'?" she peered at the back. "Oh! Suitable for vegetarians. You want this?"  
"Ah, go on then." she wandered over to the table, plonking into the seat, watching. Yaz put the soups into bowls then into the insta-heater, watching as the bowls went from cold to the perfect temperature in a second.

"Need one of these in my house." she plonked the bowls down, sitting across from the Doctor, scooping hers and sipping it. The Doctor did the same, then paused, before grabbing a custard cream, dunking it into the soup, and slurping it off there. Apparently disgust showed in her face, because the Doctor paused, slowly lowering the biscuit.  
"What?"  
"That's foul." she said, shaking her head.   
"It's good! Y'should try it."  
"Stick to my chicken noodle, cheers." she responded, shaking her head, with a bit of a smile never the less. She made her way through her own bowl as The Doctor used her custard creams to devour hers. 

"You really should sleep." Yaz kept her voice low and soft. The Doctor was dragging her last custard cream through the bottom most inch of soup, one elbow resting on the table and propping her head up, chewing her biscuit slowly. "Seriously, Doctor. Let yourself have an hour or something. I've never seen y'like this." she murmured. "Like you're all - drained."   
"M'fine." she mumbled, then yawned, dropping the half a biscuit into her bowl. "Alright. Alright, an hour." she got up and stretched, cracking her spine in a nasty way, making Yaz wince.

"I'll see you in the mornin', Yaz." she said, gently, "Have a good night."  
"You too, Doctor." she whispered, smiling back, trying to damp down her concern again. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw vomiting

  
The Doctor's room. She didn't think she'd ever seen it, actually, Yaz mused. Wandering down the hallway, padding softly, she was searching for the kitchen. Everything got moved around so much, the Doctor had said it was the telepathic circuits, meant to be responding to the needs of the crew. Of course, the ship was a bit alive which made things far more difficult than it should be, because she got ideas. But right now, Yaz was thinking about a glass of water. She didn't know what time it was, but the clock in her room said she'd been asleep about six hours. 

Having stayed up a few hours, relaxing with a book, she wasn't sure when the Doctor had actually gone to bed. If she'd actually gone at all, the young officer mused to herself, smiling just a little. As she had never seen the room, well, it was hard to know, right? But it seemed the kitchen was determined to evade her, frowning, padding up a corridor she was sure was the right one. It had been yesterday, and yet she found herself outside an unrecognised door. TARDIS blue, and it had that strange, beautiful pattern on it again. The loops, circles and ridges, almost like cogs. Reaching out, Yaz ran her hand over the soft lettering, the slightly faded gold - and the door moved like it hadn't been shut properly.

Feeling like she was invading, although she had no idea why, Yaz glanced down at the handle as the catch slipped open. Resting her palm against the flat of the door, it slid open a few more inches, giving her the edge of a cabinet, a TARDIS-blue carpet, a messy stack of books ... curiousity made her push a little more, wondering ... the Doctor was surely in the console room, a quick look couldn't hurt, could it? A few more inches. Cabinet covered in odds and ends as well as the books. On the wall, she could see it had once been cream but seemed to have been covered in paintings, often messy and mixing into one another. Books everywhere. Her eyes flickered up, seeing a black ceiling - no. Not black. There were lights in there, shifting, glowing softly - oh. The stars. She was looking at the stars.

A little further, and the edge of a four-poster bed came into sight, hewn out of a deep wood that might've been mahogany but could have been any number of things, really. And there were the sheets, apparently half hanging off the edge, and - a noise. A noise that wrenched in Yaz's chest, a deep, nasty pull and she was pushing the door open, not thinking about it. The Doctor was there, clutching a corner of the sheets to her chest, hanging her head half off the side of the bed. Her skin was pale, shining with sweat, strands sticking to her skin as she heaved. Yaz acted without thinking, spotting a waste paper bin in the corner, shoving it under the Doctor's mouth.

Just in time, it seemed. Pity flooded her, pushing away her thoughts of water or rest, the Doctor curled up in the bed. Her legs were drawn up close, even if most of the sheets had fallen off the other side. They were sticking to her like the strands of hair. Retching, bringing up everything, although it seemed it was mostly just remnants of last night's meal. She was gasping for air in between each heave, now salt water was trickling down her face. Barely thinking about it, she reached out to move the strands off her burning cheeks, sliding them away.

"What's wrong with you, Doctor?" she whispered, soft and sad. "That's two days in a row. You have to be - there's something wrong. Have you caught something?" she whispered. "Is it some kind of alien tummy bug? Is that why?" the Doctor's eyes opened, shimmering a little from the watering. She swallowed hard, making a face, before her body convulsed. Again, heaving over and over, nothing but a weak drop of bile into the wastepaper basket. Shivering violently, she looked so utterly miserable and Yaz felt helpless.

"Water." she murmured, spotting another door, she jolted up. A tiny bathroom, a cup sat on the side. Fine. She poured some water from the tap into it, not sure if it was there before or if the TARDIS was providing. Judging by the cleanliness of the mug - when most of this room, she was noticing now, had a covering of dust - it was the TARDIS. "Here. Doctor, come on. Sit up slowly for me." she perched on the edge of the bed, eyes full of concern, helping her to slowly sit up. Pyjamas, rather than her usual clothes, although they seemed ill-fitting, like they were meant for a man many times her size.

Slowly, pale fingers wrapped around the mug, before she sipped at it. Eyes shut, breathing steadily and carefully.   
"There we go. Grounding." she whispered. She took the Doctor's hand, giving it a tiny squeeze, the other clutching the drink. "You have a nightmare?"  
She nodded, just slowly. Rassilon, when had she come to rely on Yaz so much to keep her steady? "Was that why you were throwing up?"  
"No. It was like before." she admitted, throat hoarse. "Woke up and just - happened. Starting to feel a little better now, though." she sipped her water again, shifting her legs around, more comfortable. 

"At least the panic attacks are getting a little better. I can be here without you throttling me." she tried to joke, but it seemed to slip past the Doctor, who only frowned a touch. "S'okay, Doctor. I'm teasin', don't worry." she let quiet fall again, head tilting back to look up at the 'sky' above them. "Can I get one like that?" she queried, pointing her finger up at it. "It's really beautiful."  
"Reminds me of home. Of course you can. Just ask the TARDIS politely." she whispered, still sounding pretty rough, but smiling regardless.

She let a comfortable quiet settle between them, the Doctor sipping at her water and staring blankly ahead, throat bobbing occasionally. After a few minutes had slipped by, Yaz frowned, something occuring to her.   
"So does that look like - what your home used to look like?"  
"Yeah. Long time ago." she said, softly, smiling sadly up at the sky. "But when I used to sleep outside sometimes, that was what it would be. I spent so much time staring out of a window, looking up at those. I could name most of those stars." her voice was sounding more normal as she spoke. "Of course they changed throughout the seasons." she sighed. "All gone now, of course."  
"I'm sorry."  
"Oh, don't be. It was a - dowdy old planet full of - rich, cruel idiots." she murmured. "It's no great loss." the lines at her neck were tight, hands twitching just a little, fisting around the glass.

Yaz didn't push. She frowned, but looked back at the stars drifting past, at how beautiful it was. She didn't doubt that the Doctor was still hurting, after everything they'd seen on Gallifrey, everything she'd been through afterwards... losing your entire species. It was unthinkable, to her at least. Glancing back at the Doctor, seeing the hollow edge to her vision, she reached out cautiously to put a hand on her shoulder.   
"Okay. You gonna be alright if I grab a couple more hours shut-eye?" she queried.  
"Yeah. Should be getting up anyway." the Doctor admitted, "Made me soft, you lot." she smiled. "All this sleepin' like a human, honestly." she stood up and stretched, cracking her collarbones.

"Eew. Wish you wouldn't do that." Yaz found her feet, too, and after a moment turned to go. She paused at the doorway, glad she'd come in, but still worried. "If this happens again, Doctor, we really should look into it. Can't have you getting sick on us."  
"I know. Don't worry. I'm fine!" she beamed, and Yaz let the door shut behind her, worry still gnawing her stomach.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> vomiting tw

  
When she stirred a few hours later, Yaz felt sluggish herself. She took her time getting dressed, brushing her hair back and braiding it, stretching herself out and tugging on her clothes. Wandering to the kitchen, she peered around, but there was no sign of the Doctor. So that might have been good, might have been bad, hard to tell. The bowls from last night had gone from the sink, but Yaz still wasn't sure how much of that would've been the TARDIS. It seemed like the Doctor never cleaned up after herself, worse than Sonya, honestly.

But the sound of clanging and movement from the console room was familiar, a comfort. Already an easy smile shone on her face as she wandered into the space, hopping up onto the centre, peering around - there was the Doctor, having taken a panel out, wearing her goggles and half buried in wires.  
"Mornin'!" she called out, brightly, before there was a shower of sparks and a little woo of alarm. "Better stay away a bit, don't want you getting burnt."  
"How are you feeling?" Yaz asked, smiling as she perched on the edge of the chair.  
"Fine!" she called back, fingers focused on the wires, weaving carefully. "Feel great, actually. You wanna hit the zoo again today?" she asked, brightly. "Do all the bits we missed yesterday?" 

"You going back to a place you've already been? Doesn't seem like you." Yaz teased. When the Doctor poked her head back up, that bit of red sunburn on her nose continued to be hilarious. "I mean, it's fine by me! I'm happy to go back. Still got my bracelet on." she wiggled her wrist, showing the gold strip around it. "Lots more to see, right?"  
"Exactly! And, anyway, I had fun yesterday." she admitted, "Bit boring, but, y'know, I can handle a bit of boring ... now and again." Yaz laughed at that, shaking her head.

"You gonna eat half the place again?"  
"I could go for a plate of chips," she was attaching the final wires, clicking it back into place, and then clambered out of the hole in the panel. Shoving the goggles onto her head again, the Doctor grinned over at Yaz. "I guess the whole wanting to eat everything feelin' isn't gonna go away for a while." she admitted. "You've made me soft, you lot!" she shook her head but there was a bright grin on her lips, apparently unbothered.  
"Well, I guess it's as good a breakfast as any?" Yaz suggested. She'd given up on trying to understand how the Doctor worked. Maybe the Doctor had given up on it, as well, judging from how she was acting.

"So what did we miss yesterday? We saw the bord show -" between them, they figured out what they'd missed the previous day, and did their best to work out what they wanted to do today. It was another good, peaceful day, but Yaz could tell that the Doctor was getting bored. She decimated another immense plate of chips just after they got there, snacking the whole day. At lunch time, they were back at the café; the Doctor had opted to get a veggie burger, and Yaz had a tuna panini with some chips of her own. She was crunching slowly. They'd been petting the Wuwuwu's, which had turned out to be almost goatlike creatures with incredibly fluffy, rainbow fur. The Doctor had had a great time explaining about the iridescent clouds on the sides of the mountains where they lived, at first to Yaz then an increasingly fascinated crowd of children.

"So," Yaz murmured, putting down her panini. "I know you don't talk about home a lot." she saw the way the Doctor's hands stilled. "But I was just wondering if you ... maybe wanted to tell me what it was like?" she questioned. "It's fine, if you don't want to, I know it can be - y'know - a lot. But it's like Doctor McKenzie said, talking about places..."   
"Yeah. I know." the Doctor frowned. "You know this is hard for me, Yaz. A lot of this stuff, I've - I've been alive a long time. Thousands of years. I've lost track of how old I am. All the things I've had and lost..." she poked at her burger, frowning, and Yaz felt bad.  
"I shouldn't've pushed, I'm sorry."  
"Nah. It's fine." she cleared her throat. "Gallifrey was ... a ridiculous place. Time Lords, they live so long. They got so cruel, they thought they were so powerful." she scoffed.

Taking a sip of her tea, the Doctor held it in both hands, a flimsy paper cup. She smiled, a little. "A lot of beautiful things, though. The Citadel was - incredible. I remember how much time I spent there, as a child... well." she cleared her throat. "What I remember, anyway. There was the Matrix, of course - immense. It stored the collective memories of the Time Lords. We explored the universe, and observed, and then we would go back and put our memories in, to be kept forever." she frowned.  
"That sounds pretty cool." Yaz said, softly. The Doctor nodded.   
"Then there were the looms." she murmured.  
"Looms? Like, fabric, or..?"  
"No. For people."

She smiled at the look on Yaz's face.   
"You know I said I have all those grannies?"  
"Oh, yeah!"  
"Well, Time Lords weren't - made like humans are. They kinda divorced themselves of reproducing biologically as a species. Supposed to technically be possible, but because we can change gender at random, they needed a way to make more that wasn't reliant on that. So, looms. Genetic material - from as few as two but could be dozens - all put into these - machines, that then made children."  
She fell quiet, shaking her head and staring at her cup. "That was how I had kids."

Yaz spat lemonade out, quickly covering her mouth, ignoring the looks of alarm.  
"You have kids?"   
"Had." she frowned.  
"Shit, Doctor, I didn't -"  
"It doesn't matter. It's okay, Yaz. I should talk about it more." she murmured, but the rest of the meal was spent in silence. 

When they got back, Yaz cooked them a stir-fry in the TARDIS kitchen, unable to shake the growing worry. Because - she was flagging again.  
"Not turnin' into one of us boring humans, are you, Doctor?" she asked, lightly, as she finished off the last of her noodles, looking at the Doctor almost asleep in her plate. "Can I check y'temperature? Just - to make sure." 

Sighing, the Doctor gave in, but when Yaz felt her, she felt ... normal. After managing to procure a thermometer, she checked, but the Doctor was fifteen degrees, as she should be. Her pulses felt fine, for what Yaz could figure out. Two hearts beating steadily.   
"Are they meant to beat together or do they alternate?" she asked, curious, giving the Doctor her stethoscope back.  
"Generally together if I'm calm, or alternating if I'm doing anything high stress, to make the oxygen flow better. It's why I'm able to run for longer than you guys without getting as winded. And I have a respiratory bypass system, if I really need it, although it does need something to use." she mumbled.   
"Well, you seem normal." Yaz admitted. "I'm sure once we get back into deadly adventures again, you'll stop feeling like this." 

The Doctor nodded, smiling just a little.   
"Cheers, Yaz. Yeah. I don't actually think I've ever - felt like this. Not that I can remember." she frowned, "Maybe it is worth looking into. Tomorrow. I'm gonna take you somewhere a bit more active. Not that I haven't loved the zoo," she murmured, "But I thought we could go somewhere just - more interesting." she smiled.   
"No worries. Sounds like a plan." Yaz cleared the plates away, "Go get some sleep, Doctor. I'm gonna go read for a bit."  
"See you tomorrow." she mumbled, and wandered away, out into the corridor and into the vague direction of her room.

Yaz hesitated, before she made her way back to her room. Soft pyjamas, glass of water, comfy and ready for sleep. She picked up her book, remembering that she'd almost finished it. By the time she got through the last fifty pages, though, she'd already fallen asleep.  
When she woke, it was with a jolt, again. She didn't know why. Frowning, sitting up slowly, Yaz swept her hair out of her face. Her room was brightly lit, even though the TARDIS usually kept it dim. She glanced at her clock - six hours, again, give or take. She got up cautiously, slipping her feet into slippers - the Doctor had gotten them for her for Christmas, they had special warming pads built in.

The corridor was blazing with light, too. Feeling like something was wrong, Yaz sped up, slippered feet barely making a noise. There it was - the Doctor's door. This time her touch was firm, and she felt the click as it unlocked for her. The sounds were the same, although the Doctor looked worse. She had managed to throw the whole sheet aside, at least, although she was curled up and heaving violently. A cold flush ran through Yaz, seeing the way she was throwing up into the waste paper basket from yesterday. Her skin was flush, hair was sticking to her face, and there were tears running down her skin.

"Something's wrong with you, Doctor." she said, trying to keep her voice calm. "This isn't right. Three mornings in a row. The TARDIS woke me up." she whispered, keeping her hands moving gently across the Doctor's hair, trying to allow her a little comfort. Picking up the cup from off the side, she got a glass of water and came back. After about ten minutes, the last retches stopped, and she gently eased the Doctor to sitting. She was wearing different clothes now; her normal shirts, soaked with sweat, and a pair of soft pyjama shorts. They at least seemed to fit her better, though it caught Yaz off guard how surprised she was to see the Doctor's legs on full display. She'd been very thorough about keeping herself covered recently.

"Can we get you checked out?" she said, softly. The Doctor braced a shoulder against Yaz's, and when she glanced down, the young officer could see that the pale hands were shaking on the glass. "Is there somewhere we can go, or -?"  
"Medbay." she croaked. "I have a medical bay. We don't use it often." she swallowed hard, grimacing. "S'near the library. Not far."   
"Oh. Right. Okay, come on." she stood and offered a hand. The Doctor hesitated before she took it, padding out into the hallway.

She led the way to the bay, steps just a little shaky, features still queasy. When they reached it, Yaz looked around at the mess; it looked like it hadn't been tidied in an age, although thankfully there didn't seem to be anything bloody around. Good. There was a bed, that looked like the same bed in every GP surgery she'd ever been to, down to the paper layered on top. The Doctor shot it a glance as she moved past, dragging over some sort of weird metal stand and a tablet, about a foot square with a handle on one side. She powered it on and passed it to Yaz, before standing in front of her.

"What do I do?"  
"Just pass it over me." the Doctor said, softly, "It'll do a scan."  
"Right." Yaz murmured, starting to move the machine over her. She found herself hoping, praying, that nothing was going to be wrong.   
It was hard to believe that it would be.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof time.  
> tw; panic attacks, self harm, pregnancy

  
She moved the scanner slowly down the Doctor's body, over her head, down collarbones, watching as text and a vague outline showed on the screen, so she was pretty sure she was doing it right, going all the way down the Doctor's legs. It gave three soft beeps, and that sounded like a confirmation. The Doctor reached out with a faint smile, taking it by the handle.  
"Cheers, Yaz." she said, softly, moving just a little; she shifted so that she was stood next to the Doctor, peering at the screen. Delicate fingers moved, swiping onto what was a page of data. 

She tapped onto what was clearly the last set of results, tired eyes swiping over what actually looked like a surprisingly short set of data. And then - she stiffened, before sitting down heavily onto the bed just behind her. Her arm dropped, and Yaz snapped it out to take ahold of the screen, frowning. Mouth opening and closing like a fish, the Doctor's eyes had glazed over, staring straight ahead. The text, to Yaz, was almost incomprehensible. It was written in some kind of shorthand that she couldn't figure out; some bits in red and green, the rest in white.

"What - what is this saying? I can't read it - Doctor?" she put it down on the side, next to her, looking at the Doctor's face. But she was staring ahead, wide-eyed, breathing starting to race so fast that Yaz could hear it. Alarmed, she moved to be right in front of her. The glazed eyes, the jumping of her adam's apple, hands jerking to hang onto the opposite arm. Yaz jolted, alarmed, as the Doctor's nails curled, digging into the skin. Shoulders hunching, pulling in, everything was happening at once and she didn't know what to do, what she'd read that had triggered such a severe panic attack.

"Woah, okay. Okay. Grounding." she whispered, trying to catch eye contact, but it was quickly becoming clear that the Doctor couldn't see her. She reached out, remembering the way she'd been strangled - god, it felt forever ago now - but willing to take the risk. She didn't think the Doctor was present enough to attack, but the sight of orange-tinted blood running from her arms sent a wave of nausea through Yaz's whole form.   
"Doctor. Doctor, look at me. Can you see me?" she whispered. No response, not even a flicker. She gripped the wrists, trying to pull them away, but the Doctor was incredibly strong.

"Okay, okay. Um. Fuck. Doctor. Can you copy my breaths? Please? Come on. In-two-three-four, hold-two-three-four, out-two-three-four?" nothing. She was still gasping like her lungs had shut down, blood trickling, and Yaz was panicking, she didn't know what to do. She swallowed hard, tears starting to run in tracks down her face. She couldn't wait this out, not when the Doctor was hurt like this... she swallowed hard.   
"Right, grounding, I need to ground you -" she glanced around. She didn't want to leave the Doctor. "Something you're used to holding - something - sonic. Coat. Sonic and coat, but they're in the console room -" there was a low hum. Yaz turned to the doorway, which was hanging open, seeing the fabric there. "Thank you." she whispered to the TARDIS.

"Okay." grabbing the coat from the floor, she dug inside the pocket, finding the metal cylinder surprisingly warm. Holding that, she moved back over to the Doctor, who looked locked in place. If it wasn't for the thin trickles of blood moving down her arms, Yaz would've thought she was just a freeze-frame. And, of course, the heart wrenching sound of her breathing, the rapid rise and fall of her chest. "Doctor, I have your coat." she gently draped it around the Doctor's shoulders, letting the weight fall around her. "And your sonic." there was a flicker, the tiniest flicker of her eyes, and Yaz felt a wave of relief. Comfort objects. She held out the sonic. "Come on, Doctor. It's okay. Just breathe with me. Please." beyond speech, maybe but - another flicker of her eyes.

Her hands twitched, releasing her arms.  
"That's it. That's it, Doctor, come on." she rested the sonic next to the Doctor's right hand, and slowly, so slowly, she took it. Fingers trembling as they wrapped around it. "There y'go. Got your sonic and your coat. Now we're just gonna breathe. Can you look at me? Please." she whispered, and couldn't help but smile when the Doctor's eyes fixed on hers. "You're safe. With me, on the TARDIS. Safest place in the universe. Now come on. In-two-three-four, out-two-three-four. Like that. You can do it." she wasn't sure how long she kept on coaching, through the burning tears in her eyes. The Doctor never spoke, but her breathing slowly got easier. Every so often a ragged gasp, but no longer hyperventilating. Tears ran down her face, but she was blinking. 

"You can't talk?" she murmured, finally sliding her hand into the Doctor's left. She gave it a tiny squeeze. "Okay. One squeeze for yes, two squeezes for no?" Yaz whispered. There was a squeeze, and she couldn't help but smile.   
"Can you breathe now?" One squeeze. Good.   
"Okay. But you can't talk?" two squeezes. Oof. She'd find a way around this.   
"Is this because of the scan?" One squeeze.  
"Are you sick?" Two squeezes. She frowned. "Do you want to go back to your room?" One squeeze. "Can you walk?" and there was a pause. "Guess we'll find out. Alright." Yaz murmured. "I'm going to move to your side and put my arm around your back. Is that okay?" when she got the confirmation squeeze, Yaz did that, talking softly the whole time as she helped the Doctor up.

Her legs were trembling badly, but they made it back to the room. She sent a thank-you to the ceiling as they saw the room had cleaned itself, the wastepaper basket empty but to the side, the bed made. Yaz was never sure how sentient the TARDIS was, but this just confirmed how much it really did care about it's driver. She wondered how long they'd been together as she sat the Doctor on the side of the bed, still clutching her sonic and her coat.   
"I need to clean your arms." she said, gently. The cup of water was still there, so she picked it up. "Can you take this?" one squeeze. "Okay. I'm going to leave, but I'll be really quick. Will you be okay? I'll be super fast, I promise." one squeeze, again, and she nodded slowly. Letting go, she gave the Doctor the water. 

Moving fast, she shot back to the medical bay, grabbing some antiseptic and gauze from the side. She hesitated a moment, before making a snap decision, grabbing the scanner from the side. When she got back to the room, the Doctor hadn't moved. Putting the scanner aside, Yaz crouched in front of her again.  
"Okay. Take a sip for me?" she supported the Doctor's hand, letting her sip, before lowering it. "You feeling okay?" a tiny inclination of her head, but her eyes shut. "Alright. Alright, I gotcha. You're safe." she whispered, not able to think what would send the Doctor catatonic like this, what kind of illness - although she'd said she wasn't ill. No. Focus. "Okay, I'm gonna clean your arms. Might sting." she put some antiseptic on the piece of gauze, very gently taking the Doctor's arm and wiping it along the crescent marks. The Doctor hissed sharply. 

That actually sent relief tumbling into Yaz's bones. That was a response. When one side was clean, she moved to the other, making sure to wipe all the blood away. When her arms were wiped, she dropped the bloodied gauze into the wastepaper bin. At least the bleeding had stopped. The Doctor sipped her water, without help this time.   
"Do you wanna lay down?" Yaz asked, gently. "I'll stay here. I promise, I'll stay here." she said, keeping her voice low. After a moment, the Doctor nodded. Yaz helped carefully, gently, getting her into the bed - leaving the coat under her. But the Doctor let her take the water and the sonic. She left them both clear and visible on the bedside table, before covering the Doctor in the quilt. She lay sideways, eyes fixed on Yaz, who got about as comfortable as she could, leaning against the cabinet.

"I'll be right here when you can speak again, okay?" she whispered. "I'm going nowhere." she let the Doctor settle, one hand slipping from the bed. Her face was half hidden in the hood of the coat, but the hand wrapped firmly around Yaz's. She stayed there, clutching that pale hand until the Doctor drifted into a fitful doze. One handed, she grasped the little screen, resting it on her lap and waking it up. She started to fiddle around with it, using her legs as a desk, tapping through various options. There had to be a way to get it into a way she could understand, surely?

Finally she figured she'd found some kind of options menu. It was set to med. simp. eng., so she changed it to UK English. Immediately, the words on the screen expanded from sort of simple shorthand.   
"Get in." she muttered, before glancing up to see the Doctor's eyes were closed.

"Right." she scrolled through; everything took ten times longer than the Doctor had taken, but that was fine. She tapped through to 'recent scans', and then the top one.   
Data scrolled onto the screen. She started to let her eyes wander over the information, a bunch of information about basic things; temperature, blood pressure, heart reading, and then ... a list of diseases, all marked with a red N.  
 _Pregnancy Check: Y [In Progress]_  
Oh. Oh, shit. She swallowed hard, pushing down a little more.  
 _Pregnancy Status: 8.34% [ Species Unknown ]_  
 _Check complete: Healthy_  
 _Seek Local Medical Assistance For Vitamins/Supplements._

There was more, but she didn't need to read it. A sense of deep nausea was rising in her throat as she looked at the fitfully dozing woman on the bed beside her. It mixed badly with the anger that was flooding her now. Tears trickled down Yaz's face. Why couldn't the universe just give the Doctor a break?


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw honest conversations about abortion and opinions thereof, eating stuff

  
"Hey."  
"Doctor." Yaz looked around at the soft voice. The Doctor's face was mostly hidden, in her coat's hood and the rest by the blonde locks falling into her face. It hadn't been long, really, but as she looked at the incredible alien woman in front of her, Yaz couldn't help the pity that flourished. The Doctor deserved better than this. She deserved - so much better. "Glad to hear your voice again." she whispered.

"I'm sorry about that." she mumbled, still looking utterly exhausted. Yaz swallowed hard and shook her head.   
"No. It's okay." Yaz whispered. "You're okay. It was one hell of a panic attack." she gave the Doctor's hand a quick squeeze, "But - I don't blame you." she looked back to the screen that was resting on her lap. "I figured out how this works. I saw the results. Don't - don't go into shutdown again, Doctor, I'm here. I'm here." the pale hand had spasmed and gripped hers so hard Yaz worried her fingers might break.

Putting the screen aside, she shifted around a little to face the Doctor properly, taking the hand with both of hers.   
"Deep breaths. Please. Come on. With me. Deep breaths." she breathed in herself, and the Doctor, thank God, did the same. After a few moments, the grip loosened just a little, and the Doctor's eyes seemed more focused. "Alright." she rubbed the back of her hand, "I know you're scared, Doctor, and I don't - I don't blame you. I'd be scared too."  
"It's not supposed to be possible." she breathed. "I shouldn't be able to -"  
"It doesn't matter, Doctor." Yaz murmured. "Gotta be practical, right? Gotta be practical, and I know you're scared, but you're the strongest person I've ever met."

The Doctor shut her eyes, and for a moment, she thought that she was going back to sleep. But slowly, slowly, she moved herself up into a sitting position. Yaz pushed up to perch onto the edge of the bed, now, looking at the sitting Doctor. She seemed so very small right now, eyes still a little distant, but more with it than they had been before.   
"Are you able to talk about it?" she asked, keeping eye contact, "Because I won't force you, Doctor, but we have to be practical and that means you can't pretend this isn't happening."  
She nodded, slowly, curtains of hair swinging as she swallowed hard. Arms wrapped around her waist, as if holding herself together.

"I can talk about it." the Doctor's voice was terrifyingly quiet. "You're right. I have to - be practical."  
Yaz nodded. This was - delicate. She didn't know what the Doctor was going to think but, well, she knew she had to be practical. And the Doctor was an alien, from the future, right? She hadn't even known this could happen. Even if she had, it wasn't like she'd had a choice in the matter... Yaz reached out carefully. There was a breath, and then she rested her hand back in Yaz's.   
"Do ... you want it?" she asked, slowly. Gently.

Without hesitation, the Doctor shook her head. Tears were shining in her eyes, throat bobbing as she swallowed spasmodically. Her brows drew in, jaw tensing.  
"Never." she whispered. "I - even if I'd been willing, I would never - bring a child into my life. Not this. All my people are dead and even if they were, I - I've been a parent before. I can't do it, not again, not like this, not with - him." the tears began to run down her face, shoulders trembling, and Yaz's heart twisted again.  
"That's fine, Doctor." she said, softly. "If - if it means anything, I'm so sorry -"  
"Don't. Please, don't." it wasn't angry. Just soft.

Yaz took a few breaths, keeping ahold of the Doctor's hand, trying to be a rock. She could feel tears stinging her own eyes, a deep rage that she was doing her best to crush, that she'd been forced to go through this on top of everything else.  
"So. You have all of time and space." she said, gently, "Which means, I'm sure you know some - hospitals or something. Somewhere you can go?" she mumbled. "I mean, you're - you have everything. So it'll be easy enough." the Doctor nodded, slowly, apparently thinking it over. And that was good, because if Yaz could keep her from panicking then getting her onto a plan was one of the best ways she could achieve that.

"But I don't know what I am."  
"What do you mean?" she queried, frowning.  
"I'm not a Time Lord. Whatever I am - wherever I came from, that - that must be why I conceived. I've been a woman before but not that I remember, it's lost in the past that was wiped." she admitted, all in a rush. "So - so that's why - this is happening, but I mean - I don't know..." her eyes were wide, tearful. "I don't want this, Yaz, I'm not having this, I can't have a baby. No, no, no -" her hands twitched and Yaz grasped quickly. She took both of the Doctor's hands, tugging them closer, to make sure she wasn't going to dig them into her arms again.

"Okay. Doctor. Breathe. Remember? Breathe, with me. We'll get this out of you." she whispered.  
"Yes. Resus One. Not too far after - last time, actually, should be fine, they have facilities. But then - their medication could kill me -"  
"So - you get them to scan you." she said, gently, "Get them to - make medical records, and they can - synthesize something?"  
"S'not that simple." the Doctor mumbled. The tears were running freely again as she breathed sharply. "They have to - run tests, experiments -"  
"Doctor." she squeezed her hands. "Listen. We're gonna find a way. You'll get that thing out of you, I promise."

She nodded again, swallowing hard again, throat bobbing. Slipping towards hollow again. Okay, couldn't have her going into a dissociative state, that would help no one. Yaz got up, bending to pick up the scanner.  
"Up. Come on, up." she said, tugging the Doctor's hands. It took a moment, but she had her up after a second, legs shaking. Okay. Progress. "You have this, right?" she held the scanner. "You can do - basic checks on yourself. So the TARDIS must have medical records. And whatever you are, if you're - you're not a Time Lord, you've been passing as one for a long time, right?" her eyes were still a little glazed but the Doctor nodded.

"Right. So. What was it, two hearts? Erm - Ecto-spleen, you have one of those, whatever that is?"   
"Yeah. It's part of my bypass system." she mumbled.  
"Bypass system! You know at least some of what's going on in you, Doctor," she said, quickly, "So you can get this started for them. Science! You love science! Right?"  
"Yeah. And I'm good at it." she perked up a little, smiling. Yaz couldn't help but glance at the Doctor, again - in her soft shorts and her usual shirt - eyes lingering on her torso. She'd put weight back on so she was healthy again, but now she was sure she could see it - a curve, ever so slight. 

Fuck, she felt sick. This wasn't right.

"Right. Come on. Let's go. Medbay, right? To get all the information you need, then we can go and get you all sorted out." Yaz said, trying to sound more confident than she felt. Then she paused. "Do you want to get dressed first?"  
"Yeah. Yeah, I'll get dressed." she said.   
"I'll be right outside -"  
"Stay here." she swallowed hard and looked away, "Please."  
"Of course." Yaz sat down on the edge of the bed again, frowning. She picked up the Doctor's coat, bundling it gently. The Doctor moved around, finding her clothes, putting them on slowly, getting more confident with every item. By the time she'd done her boots up, with a firm tug on the laces, she definitely seemed - better.

Standing, Yaz handed over the coat, watching as the Doctor shrugged it on as if she was okay. A few quick tugs of a brush through her hair, and she seemed totally normal.  
"Right!" she beamed, "Let's go do some science." she said, brightly.   
"Yeah. Science!" Yaz agreed. They made their way to the medbay, and she felt mostly out of her depth, standing by the bed as the Doctor moved around. She was pulling documents, strange flimsy scans from cupboards, zooming as she made a pile. She paused, stumbling, one hand around her stomach, the other bracing on the side. Without hesitation, Yaz was there.

"Y'okay?"  
"Yeah. Yeah, nothing to worry about. Bit dizzy."  
"You should eat something." Yaz said, softly. "Must be why you've been hungry all the -"  
"I'm fine."  
"Doctor -"  
"No, I'm fine, Yaz. Don't push."  
"I know you're getting rid of it, but your body still needs help to keep going right now, Doctor -"  
"I said, I'm fine!" she snapped it, jaw tight, eyes narrowing. Yaz took a step back, holding her hands up a little in surrender.

She took the scanner again and pressed a few buttons, before shoving it at Yaz.  
"Same as yesterday. Just move it over me, slowly. It's going to do a full physiology scan."  
Yaz did as she was told, as it beeped softly during the movements, going all the way to her feet this time. It gave the double beep and she handed it back, not even getting a 'thank-you' before the Doctor was zooming again.   
"Right." she appeared with a folder - and a paperclip. "Love a good paperclip." she put all the documents together, paperclipping them, then slid them into the folder. "All good." she shoved the pack and the scanner panel at Yaz. 

"Resus One, then." she said, not even bothering to force a smile. She took a few steps - and stumbled. Yaz darted forward, arm already out. Her legs were weakening, and she almost pitched forward, without Yaz's arm around her.   
"Come on, Doctor. Eat something, then we can go. Please?"  
"I'm fine -" she shoved away.   
"No! You're not! Not even close to fine!" Yaz's anger escaped now, eyes sparking angrily, "You're going through hell and I thought I was finally getting through to you, but you're so stubborn that you're gonna end up killing yourself instead of daring give some nutrients to a fuckin' -"  
"Don't say it!" she whirled, "Don't say that word, Yaz, because this is not meant to happen and the second I can I am getting this - this parasite out of me -"  
"And that's fine! But you still need to eat, Doctor, you can barely stand -"

"Shut up." her eyes sparked, and despite knowing she was hurting, Yaz felt a throb of pain. Her face fell and she took a step back, as the Doctor turned and strode towards the console room.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Massive thanks to Anobii1992 for being my beta!

  
Stubborn ass. She was an absolute stubborn ass and if she didn't stop acting stupid the baby would kill her before they even managed to get rid of it. Yaz felt about as sick as she was sure the Doctor did, right now. She wanted to help. The Doctor deserved so much more than to be put through this, but she had to be realistic or she was going to pay a hell of a price. She didn't know how to help, though. She couldn't exactly force-feed her. After taking a second to catch her breath, Yaz strode towards the console room as well.

The thud wasn't really that much of a surprise, but it still sent fear through her. Shit! This was what happened when she left the Doctor alone. Thankfully she hadn't gotten far. Yaz ran, feet pounding the metal of the corridor, and she saw the Doctor's coat flared out around her; she'd apparently fallen at the stairs to the console. She crouched, wrapping an arm around her.   
"Here, Doctor. I've got you."  
"Get off me." she growled.   
"No!" she shook her head, "I'm not! I'm helping you, you mardy mare, because you're bein' an idiot." she was letting her temper get the better of her, knowing it was the worst thing she could do.

"I said, get OFF ME!" she almost screamed, and Yaz backed up, immediately. The Doctor curled into herself just a little, breathing racing, and Yaz could hear the pants. Oh, shit.  
"Doctor. Okay, Doctor. I'm not touching you." she put the documents down. "I won't touch you without permission, I'm sorry. I didn't think how that would sound." she whispered, keeping her voice low now. Of course touch would matter to the Doctor. Everything she'd been through, without control over her body - of course. She was being an idiot, but - fuck if she didn't need help. But how could she call a therapist? This was going to change - everything. And Yaz didn't know how to help. She was shaking like a leaf, now.

"Are you with me, Doctor?" she whispered. "Come on, now. M'sorry. Focus on me. Don't spiral, please, please Doctor." swallowing hard, Yaz shifted so she was perched on the edge. The Doctor's hand braced on the side, the other wrapping around her torso again, shoving upright. She stumbled forward, Yaz jumping up just behind as she grabbed onto the edge of the console. Upright, but shaking.   
"Doctor..."  
"Leave me alone."  
"Y'need help. I don't understand why you're being so stubborn all of a sudden."  
"Because this isn't meant to happen. Because I'm meant to be getting better." she hissed.   
"Y'are gettin' better, Doctor. This is a knock you weren't meant to have. We're going to get you help, and you're gonna be okay." she hovered awkwardly, not sure how to help.

She began to turn knobs, hitting switches, but Yaz could see how much weight she was putting on the edge of the console, as if she was struggling to keep herself together. She frowned, and shut her eyes, rubbing at them for just a moment.   
"I'm gonna go and get dressed." Seeing as she was still in her pyjamas, she put down the documents on the console chair. "Try not to get us killed, yeah?" she turned and strode off, not hearing an answer.

Back in her room, Yaz felt like an idiot. What was she doing? Baiting the Doctor? Pushing her so hard? She wasn't a therapist! She'd been doing everything she could to try to help: attending all the therapy sessions with her; trying to ground her during the panic attacks. But if the Doctor was shutting her out, what the hell could she do? The little parasite in her friend was clearly making it hard for the Doctor to keep herself together, but that didn't explain the sudden mental shift. The exhaustion, the hunger, the throwing up - morning sickness, Yaz realised - but it wasn't human. Nothing human about this pregnancy, from either side. She pulled on her leather jacket. They hadn't started flying, from what she could tell. 

Swinging by the kitchen, she grabbed a bottle of water and the packet of custard creams. She figured the Doctor would at least eat those, even if she was refusing to touch anything else. The console room was quiet, and her eyes searched for the flash of blonde - ah. She was sat on the floor, back to the doorway. Yaz moved over, crouching in front. She had her eyes shut, legs half folded, coat flared out around her. When the young officer sat, her eyes flickered open, already glaring. Silently, Yaz placed the packet and the bottle in front of her, and raised her eyebrows.

After a moment, the Doctor reached out and snagged the water. A swig, and then she accepted the packet, shoving a biscuit in her mouth. Shoulders relaxing a little, Yaz sighed just slightly, relieved.   
"You are an idiot sometimes, you know that, Doctor?" she teased, getting up and walking away, over to the console chair. Giving her a moment of privacy. There was quiet crunching and sipping sounds for a few minutes, and then the Doctor grabbed the edge of the console, pulling herself up to her feet. She still looked shaky, but not quite as much.

"How's your head?" Yaz asked, finally.   
"Still hurts. Never stops hurting." the Doctor murmured. She took another swig of water. "We're going to Resus One." she hit a button, and then moved over to the lever. A little more steady on her feet, at least. "We're going to get this - this thing out of me." she swallowed hard, "And everything's going to be fine. I'm going to get better."  
"Right." Yaz agreed. "It's gonna be fine."  
She always felt like saying that was a bad idea, somehow.

That feeling was proven right when the Doctor's legs buckled, almost immediately.   
"Hey!" she shot across the space, letting the Doctor hang onto her and the console, holding herself up.  
"Sorry. Sugar's still getting into my system." she whispered, leaning onto Yaz whilst hitting a switch. "I've got it. I'm fine."  
"Stop sayin' that you're fine when you aren't. It's okay not to be fine -" Yaz almost fell as the TARDIS jolted. The Doctor managed to move almost like herself, and with a few switches and levers, they were evening out.   
"I've got it! Getting there now." she kept darting around, and whilst Yaz could see the whiteness of her knuckles on the edge of the console, she seemed to be doing okay.

At least the custard creams were getting into her system, even if Yaz was sure it wasn't enough. She needed more, a real meal, especially with how much she'd been taking in recently. The drain on her system must be immense. But they landed with a heavy clunk, pitching sideways again. The Doctor brought up the semi-holographic screen on that strange arm of the TARDIS console, peering at it.  
"Resus one, about a hundred years ahead of when we were here last time. Good time to come." she said, softly, "TARDIS did a lot of the work, there. Found the best place for reproductive rights balanced with the technology available."

"Good." Yaz said, gently, "No - stupid religious zealots?"  
"You always get idiots who seem to believe people who can have babies should have no control over their own body," she admitted, "Same as you get racist, xenophobic idiots everywhere, Yaz. But on the whole, things do keep getting better. The crowds drown out the individuals. Resus One is a hospital planet, saving people from all over their galaxy. It's incredible. They run entirely on donations." she smiled. "Biggest database of medical knowledge - ever, pretty much."  
"So they'll help you?"  
"Well," she picked up the documents, "I'm about to give them something they've never had. Time Lord physiology. Well - they're going to believe it's Time Lord physiology, because I don't know what species I am!"  
"What if they know what you are?"

The Doctor went quiet for a moment.   
"We'll burn that bridge when we come to it."  
"I don't think that's quite -"  
"Oh."

"... y'okay?" there was a sudden wash of pale colour over the Doctor's face, and she sat down abruptly. "Doctor? Hey, talk to me, come on."   
"Regeneration energy." she breathed, "I have regeneration energy -"  
"That thing that lets you change your face?" Yaz frowned. "What's that got to do with anything?"  
"What if the - the - thing has it? What if - if when they get rid of it, it -"  
"Regenerates." Yaz mumbled. "Would that kill you?"  
"Possibly. I don't know, but it would mean they wouldn't be able to -"  
"To get rid of it." Yaz whispered, feeling just as wobbly as the Doctor suddenly, her chest constricting. "Okay. Don't panic, Doctor. We'll take it slow. That's just as likely not to happen. And - it's only half you. Whatever that - other person was, they ain't a Time Lord or whatever you are. So it's still only fifty-fifty."

"Right. Yeah. Burn that bridge when we come to it." she mumbled.  
"Doctor, that is really not -"  
"Let's go." 


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who has two thumbs and a tooth infection? This bitch! I've been in agony the last few days, which is a major insult because yesterday was my birthday too. What timing, right?
> 
> Anyway, I'm sorry for not updating! Honestly I've been so wiped out I've barely written anything for days. 
> 
> Thanks to Anobii1992 for being my beta again!  
> No real trigger warnings in this chapter.

  
She hated that smell. The antiseptic stink that seemed to be everywhere medical like this, it was one thing she'd always absolutely despised. It seemed the Doctor wasn't much better. Tsuranga hadn't smelt quite as bad, and she'd been a bit out of it even then, so she'd had to tolerate it. But judging by the way the Doctor was tensing up, she really didn't want to be here either.   
"You're okay." she said, gently, taking the Doctor's hand. Yaz was clutching the documents and the scanner. "Where do we go? You must know."

"Erm." she swallowed and blinked. Okay, the Doctor was blindsided, sure, she'd never seen that before but she could cope. "A sign!" she tugged the Doctor over to the big green sign on the wall. "Reception. Reception seems good. Human ward to the left. Erm... I don't know how to pronounce that."  
The Doctor peered, before pronouncing the word, with a bunch of weird clicks that Yaz didn't think she could say.   
"None of those are close. Reception. Good call, Yaz." she smiled at the officer, who felt a little better now.

They moved through the corridors and soon found what was a busy area. There was a reception desk. The layout wasn't that different from what other hospitals she'd been to, honestly. She hesitated, glancing at the Doctor, wondering if she had her usual wit and speedy response back about her. She was glancing around, rapidly, eyes flickering. Okay.  
"Doctor? I don't know what to ask for." she said, gently.   
"Oh. Right. Yeah." she cleared her throat, and then stepped up to the desk. The receptionist had the same bored look that seemed to belong to receptionists everywhere.

"Hi! I'm the Doctor."  
"Uh-huuuh. Which oooone, maa'aaam?" she asked, barely glancing up.  
"Oh, right. Er. M'name, not my - profession. Well, kinda my profession." Yaz nudged her. "Right! Sorry! Yeah! Um - so, I'm a Time Lord. And - I need some help."  
Now the receptionist looked up, still looking bored.   
"Have you been here beeforeee?"   
"Oh, uh, yeah. Yeah. I was part of the Tsuranga ship, came in with Eve Cicero, the one that managed to eject a pting and hand-pilot it in? We had sonic mine injuries. There was a Gifftan with us."  
Now that had her attention. She looked up, sharply.   
"That was over a hundred years agooo, maaa'am."  
"Yes, I know. Time traveller!" 

She tapped into the system, now, and Yaz saw she had at least ten fingers on each hand. Excellent for speed typing.  
"We don't have any informaaation onn Time Loooord, Maa'am."  
"Yes! That's why I have these." Yaz wiggled the documents as the Doctor gestured. "So I can help. Erm. Two hearts. Respiratory bypass. Ability to regenerate?"   
"And what department do you need, maaa'am?"   
"Erm. Reproductive... I guess?"  
"Take the pad to platform b, you want floor three." she said, giving the Doctor a little green dot. "Put that in the pad, it'll take you there. Next pleaaase."

"Right. That was - successful." the Doctor mused, as she and Yaz walked away.  
"Seemed to be." there were rows of - they looked almost like post boxes, but bigger. They stepped into one, and the Doctor popped her token into a slot on the wall. There was a weird click, and a sense of - pressure, almost - then the door opened. It smelt different. She stepped out, peering around.  
"Weird."  
"Insta-transfer. Like a teleport, bit tighter, less of the sickness. Stops them having to clean the pods when people chuck up." the Doctor said, brightly, but Yaz could see the edge in the grin, moving towards panic.

"You're gonna be fine. Where are we?"  
"Ah! Two hearted department. Makes sense."  
"So, does the number of hearts you have -"  
"Makes a massive difference, yeah. Changes how you process a lot of things, notably things like your blood and oxygen. We're way more oxygenated than you, it's why my blood looks orange compared to yours." she said, with a bright grin. "High iron content, too. Add in how efficient my body is, how little sleep and food I need - well, normally." her smile had fallen.

"Right, yeah. Just - catnaps, right?"  
"Couple hours a week." she nodded, "That's all I need. I can sleep standing up." she grinned. "All this sleeping is nothing like me, honestly."  
There was another desk. Coming from down the corridor in another direction, there was a muffled cry. Both of them straightened, like meerkats, but then it became clear just where they were.  
"It's a maternity ward." Yaz mumbled. The Doctor's face shifted to a strange, twisted crinkle for just a second before grimacing as she moved over to the desk.  
"Hi. I'm the D- uh - the - here - for a - some help. Let me try that again." the nurse here at least looked far more awake, and smiled, "I just came from reception downstairs, hi, I'm in need of some - uh - some help. With - terminating a pregnancy?" she dropped her voice. Yaz could see her throat bobbing, jaw tight, giving away just how stressed she was.

"Ah! Right. You're in the wrong place, but not by much. Floor down. Let me just -" she grabbed a yellow chit and handed it over. "Here y'go!"  
"Well, erm, the only thing is, I'm not Apalapucian." she had let her eyes flicker up at the sign above. "Time Lord." there was a slight eye-widening there. "Hi." she waved a hand, awkwardly, still tense as all hell. Yaz stayed close, in case she needed more support. At least she wasn't passing out any more. 

"Ah. Right. Um. I tell you what, I - I'll put a call through, if you head down, and we'll get a doctor with you momentarily?" she said, and the Doctor grinned, taking the token.  
"Excellent! Thank you." they headed to the pods again, the door shutting. Yaz took the Doctor's hand, giving it a quick squeeze, seeing the wide, almost glazed edge to her eyes.  
"Do you need to take a breather?" she asked, gently, before they stepped out.  
"If I slow down, everything'll hit me at once. I have to keep moving. Sitting still is going to be the worst thing for me right now." the Doctor wasn't even looking at her as she spoke, but Yaz nodded regardless. It was a lot more muted in this room. They wandered over to the desk.

"Ah, did you just come from upstairs?"  
"Yes. I'm the Doctor." there was an eyebrow quirked at that. "Yeah, it's gonna get confusing, don't worry about it." the Doctor said, a little sheepishly.   
"Take a seat, someone will be with you momentarily." they said, and the Doctor nodded. Her eyes were flickering around again, although this room was less busy, there were a few people sat around, most holding what seem to be this era's version of a mobile phone. Yaz could see the design hadn't changed overmuch, although they were much thinner and lighter. 

Already The Doctor looked more anxious. Leg bouncing irritatingly fast, eyes still darting around as she perched on a blue plastic chair.   
"I wonder if they have a little shop, love a little shop. Although with a hospital this big they must have more than one exit, so they must have more than one shop. Although I didn't see a little shop by the main reception, so maybe they don't. They're the best, though, the little shops. Gotta love what enterprising businessperson saw a place where people were sick and went, 'Oh! I can sell 'em stuff!' -"  
"Doctor."  
" - gotta be a pretty quick business mind, never had a business mind, me. I like making stuff more than I like selling -"  
"Doctor! It's fine if y'nervous." she looked around, golden eyes wide.   
"Not nervous."  
"I'd be nervous. It's scary. Even if I know that I could - have that happen. Can't imagine how scared you are." she whispered. "It'll be fine."

"I know. Of course it will. I have you with me. I'll be fine. Always trust Yaz. That's m'first rule."  
"That's a new first rule."  
"Times have changed, Yaz! Get with it." she grinned, even if she was shaking. Yaz smiled.

They didn't have long to wait. A harried looking man approached. The Doctor tensed just a little. He wasn't quite human looking, although he wore scrubs, with a strange almost Mohawk-like sweep of blue hair, four eyes, and a tail that was held tight to his legs, also with a deep blue riff of hair.   
"Ah, you're - the Doctor?" he asked, and she jumped up with nothing even close to a smile.  
"That's me."  
"Time Lord?"   
"Yep!"   
"Will you come through?"  
"Of course." Yaz fell into step behind her as they headed into a small, incredibly sterile room. She didn't let go of the Doctor's hand, feeling her shake.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shoutout to Anobii1992 for being my beta! 
> 
> My tooth is doing a lot better thank you to everyone who sent well wishes.
> 
> A hint of suicide ideation in this chapter but nothing major.

  
Eyes wide, hearts pounding, pulses thundering. The Doctor was still shaking, a slew of bad memories involving hospitals and a shooting stinging through her. Her head throbbed, as if to add insult to injury at the dredge of memories. The feeling of Yaz's hand, holding firm to hers, hot and real and keeping her anchored was the only thing she could grip onto now. She swallowed hard, eyes focused ahead. The Destroyer of Worlds, the Oncoming Storm, and she was terrified of a little hospital? Well. Really, truly, she didn't want to address her fear - that they wouldn't be able to get rid of it.

The world was starting to look a little fuzzy-edged and now that, that was more terrifying than anything else. Even with the Yaz anchor on her hand, the words that the Doctor in front of her were saying - they kept slipping past her ears. Her chest felt tight. Then there were dark, concerned eyes floating in front of hers. The urge to take care of her companion pushed through the edge of the panic attack and the Doctor forced a smile, throat bobbing just a little. She squeezed back.  
"I'm fine. Just - had a moment." she whispered. The documents were on the table in front of her now.

"We're going to do a full body scan." the Resus One doctor smiled at her, all sweet and friendly, and despite that she still felt utterly sick. "So we can know what we're going into. Anything like this will be a risk, Doctor, as I'm sure you know, but we are somewhat limited by the need to act as quickly as possible before the pregnancy advances too far. From the scans you've provided us, we should be able to synthesize something." he informed her, very gently now. "If you're willing to sign a waiver, of course."  
The Doctor nodded. It wouldn't matter if she ended up dying, because it would eliminate the pregnancy anyway, but the idea of Yaz having to deal with that ...

"Thank you." she said, gently. Her throat bobbed, and to her utter shame, the salt sting of tears in her eyes was clear. It burned, and she looked down at the wobbly desk now in front of her. There was a box of tissues in her hands and Yaz was smiling, all sympathy.  
"Thanks, Yaz." she whispered, wiping her eyes. "Sorry. Just - a lot." she admitted.

Everything became a blur. The worst part was having to get changed, being given that awful paper robe, like it was a human hospital. They had to do a full scan, thankfully contact-free. But Yaz held her clothes whilst she waited outside for the Doctor to emerge. She was put into something like a glass cupboard, full of whirling machines that hummed and zoomed around her. Her bones felt the vibrations as every bit of her was scanned to a depth she truly didn't like. When she stepped out, Yaz was kind enough to at least drape the coat around her shoulders whilst they waited. 

More and more bodies were moving in and out of the room where her scans were, different Doctors, now, and she leant her shoulder into Yaz's.  
"What's going on?" she asked, softly.  
"Time Lord." the Doctor mumbled back, lips numb. "Entirely unique biology. Never scanned before. I'll have to wipe their files when all of this is over." she breathed, shutting her eyes and shaking her head. The idea of that knowledge being available in any kind of database, it was - terrifying. But she'd had to allow it.

"What I don't understand..." Yaz murmured. It sounded like the words were being dragged out of her, hating the silence, hating having to sit there and wait. And also - hating the clean and obvious invasion of privacy the Doctor was going through. "If - if it was - as regular as you - as regular as it was." Yaz was rubbing her thumb over her knuckles, and that was good, that was something to focus on. "Why did it take so long to - y'know? Because it said you're not even ten per cent - gone." she didn't want to talk about this. Yaz looked away. "Sorry. Ignore me. Just spitballing."

But the thought had caught hold now. How had it happened? She frowned, puzzling over it, turning it in her head. What was the difference? She was just starting to show. Nine per cent...   
"Must be longer than a human pregnancy." she mumbled. "Probably something to do with his species." she shook her head, grimacing. "I don't know, Yaz. I don't know," she shook her head, "It doesn't matter. All that matters is getting rid of it."  
"Oh, yeah. 'Course. 'Course, sorry, Doctor. Um."  
"It's okay. You don't have to talk." she whispered. "We just have to wait."

Time stretched away in front of her. In every direction. She saw every choice, every option, laid out. She could taste paradoxes like iron in the air, she could feel unstoppable events like a great pressure on her chest, smells and lights told her the century. And yet, right now, she felt like she was lost. Floating in a great void full of fear, as if she had no edges. Unravelling, spiralling out, the only thing the solid, sickening weight in the base of her stomach. She couldn't tolerate any more of this and yet - and yet - she had no choice. The only way out was to endure. The thumb was rubbing over her knuckles again as the room swam into view once more.

She hated waiting.

Finally, finally, they were called back in. She hadn't even realised how badly she was shaking until Yaz gave her shoulders a squeeze, tugging the coat more firmly around herself, padding back into the main room. The doctor from before was there, alone, documents laid in front of him. She sunk into the chair, Yaz next to her.  
"Okay, Doctor," he said, with a soft smile. Not too positive or too negative, strong and steady. She appreciated that. "We've started working on the synthesization for the medication you'll need. It's early enough that we do not need to do anything overly invasive; we recommend that you stay here whilst you go through the process so we can monitor you, as this will be, essentially, a controlled trial." he said steadily.  
"No."  
"Doctor -" Yaz whispered it.   
"No, I'm not doing that here. No."  
He frowned, just a touch, "We cannot force you to stay here. However, it's in your best interests -"  
"No. Not here. I'll go on my ship. I'll leave it parked here, but I'm not going to go through this in your beds."

"Alright. That's your choice." he said, gentler now. "I assume that your friend -"  
"I'll be with her." Yaz said, immediately.   
"The process will not be comfortable." he was still soft, still quiet, "We'll provide you with special pads to catch and absorb the clots your body will pass. Most of your growth seems to be your body preparing; the foetus is still very small, especially for the species." he said, "But there will be some breakup as it emerges. You'll need to either bring the pads back to us or destroy them in a biohazard containment unit."  
"I have one." The Doctor mumbled. "On my ship."  
"Alright. But we would still like to see you when the process is over."

"How long will it take?" Yaz asked, softly.  
"After the medication is taken, it should begin within a few hours. There will be cramping, and pain, and then the bleeding will start. You should rest, but sitting up or standing will help pass it, even light exercise - nothing strenuous, as your body processes it."  
"It's amazing how little it's changed since where I came from." Yaz whispered. If he thought the comment was odd, he was polite enough not to comment on it.  
"If the bleeding gets too intense, you must come back for us to help. This is an experimental drug." he reminded them. The Doctor nodded. "We have this waiver for you to sign. We will still help you with everything you need, but we need reassurance we won't be sued." his tone was dry. The Doctor signed all the documents, mute.

He handed over a shockingly innocuous paper bag. Yaz glanced inside; there were the pads he'd mentioned, and a small white box that must contain the tablet. She thanked him, shook his hand, the Doctor hovering by the door. And then they left. Taking the time to get back into her clothes. Back through all those teleports, back to the TARDIS, the Doctor still dead silent, a hollow look in her golden eyes. Yaz kept holding her hand, even if her own was sweaty, still rubbing it.   
"I have you, Doctor." she whispered, gently. And there was the beautiful big blue box, sturdy and so striking down it's clinical white corridor. Warm. Safe. "Not long now. I promise."


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Anobii1992 for being my beta!

  
The TARDIS hummed, and a sense of well being washed over Yaz, more intense than anything she'd felt before stepping inside the machine. The Doctor was next to her, but a little ahead. She didn't imagine the way her shoulders had fallen. She was at least back to looking like herself, but those narrow shoulders slumped just a little, letting out a deep breath.  
"Thanks, girl." she whispered, touching the console gently.  
"Is the TARDIS doing this?" Yaz asked, surprised.  
"Oh, she pushed on you, too?" the Doctor asked. "Unusual. Yeah. She's a telepathic machine, Yaz. Humans aren't usually perceptive to telepathy without touch - must've really given a push to get through. Told you she liked you." it was the most alive the Doctor had looked, even with the pallor of her skin and the shadows now under her eyes.

"Alright. How do you want to do this?" Yaz asked, and the Doctor stilled. She saw the way those pale hands tightened on the edge of the console.  
"I think I figured it out."   
"What?" the mumbled had caught her off guard. That wasn't an answer that she expected.  
"Why it took so long." the gold eyes weren't looking at her, the hair hanging over her face, almost completely disguising the Doctor now. "For this to happen."  
"Oh?" Yaz queried, wandering closer, still holding the bag.   
"The drugs in the food must have included a contraceptive. Which was why he always came after I'd eaten."  
The cold wash that ran through Yaz's blood at those words were quickly followed by a deep, deep rage. Because she knew what that meant. And the sick feeling that always hung around when she thought of what the Doctor had gone through now added fire into her chest.

"But you burned off the drugs?" she asked, uncertainly, "That was after -"  
"The sedatives had lingering effects. But it was more than a week after I ate when I escaped." she murmured.   
"You said he didn't -"  
"No." the Doctor shut her eyes. "He did. One last time. And I used the advantage to get away. I acted sedated. I hid the food rather than outright rejecting it." she whispered. "So I was with it enough to run. And obviously, the rest of my plan..."  
"Doctor." her throat felt like it was sticking together. "I'm so sorry."  
"We have a timeframe. Four weeks, give or take. Nine per cent."  
"A year." Yaz whispered. "Year long pregancy. Jesus -" she felt wobbly. "Doctor. The medicine."

She held the bag forward. After a moment, the Doctor took it, throat bobbing again. Her hand wrapped around it.  
"S'okay to be scared, Doctor." Yaz said, "We don't have to do it today, you can take some time to get used to the idea."  
"I want it gone." she whispered. "I won't regret getting rid of it. If it kills me - I should park us in Sheffield."  
"No." she said, quickly, "You'll need t'be here if something goes wrong."  
"And if I die? Die and don't regenerate?" she whispered. "What then, Yaz? You'll not be able to get home." she knew it wasn't true, the TARDIS would take her home before going dark for good, but still.

"I don't care." she responed, firmly, "I could live here. That'd be fine. Become a space police officer." she smiled gently. "Seriously, Doctor. I'm not going anywhere. You're not going through this alone." she was firm, taking the Doctor's hand again and squeezing it. "You're not going to do any of this alone."  
Her eyes were sparkling again, turning away, sniffing sharply.   
"Alright. Room." she whispered, and Yaz stayed at her side again. The lights were dim but not dark, the room clean again, if not tidy.   
"There's some instructions. You just have to take it. Should take a couple hours to kick in." Yaz said softly, "But I'd put the pad on beforehand. It'll start with pain, and then the bleeding will start." she nodded, slowly, shutting her eyes. "Are y'sure?" she knew the Doctor was, but she had to double check.

"I want this thing gone." she repeated, firmly. "I won't regret it. I know I won't. I can't do this. And even if I had wanted to, I wouldn't bring a child into my life. I had kids. And I won't do it again. This world is too cold, too cruel for that now." the edge to her voice brought tears to Yaz's eyes.  
"You don't believe that." she whispered. The Doctor sighed, slumping.  
"No." she whispered. "I don't believe that. The universe is cold. People can be cruel. They can be so cruel. But they're also the warmth, the heart, of all of it. The cruelty doesn't cancel out the kindness, not a single jot of it."  
"That sounds more like you." Yaz smiled, gently. 

She stayed sat on the bed as the Doctor went into the bathroom. When she emerged she was wearing the soft pyjamas she'd worn when she had first stayed with them at Graham's house. Yaz couldn't help but smile just a little at the sight; maybe she'd liked them.  
"They're comforting." the Doctor murmured. "This is so uncomfortable." she wiggled, shamelessly adjusting the pad whilst looking like a crab having a moment. Yaz couldn't help but smile.   
"You'll get used to it." she said, handing over the tiny white box. The Doctor sat, opening it, revealing an entirely innocuous pill in a blister pack. She swallowed it with a gulp of water.

For a moment, they paused, waiting. And nothing happened. Yaz slowly relaxed a little.  
"What d'you want to do?" she asked, finally. "Distraction's good, right?"   
"I think I'll work on the TARDIS. It'll keep my hands busy." the Doctor said, softly, "I'll repair a few things. Make me feel better about myself." she shrugged. "And then I'll see how I feel."  
"Do you want something more to eat?" Yaz murmured.  
"No. No, I don't want to risk it." she nodded in response.   
"I'll stick with you. Just gonna grab a book from my room. I'll see you in the console room?"  
"See you there. And, Yaz?"  
She paused, halfway to the door. "Yeah?"  
"Thank you. For being here."  
"No problem, Doctor."

\--

She had gotten quite comfortable in the console room. The Doctor had put on her chunky apron and her goggles, buried in the floor, hands full of wires as she adjusted something. She'd put a strange, orb-like gizmo on the side and was humming to herself as she worked. It was almost peaceful, buried in her book, listening to the natural noises of the TARDIS beeping and humming softly. The Doctor's voice was surprisingly tuneful as she hummed, which was weird enough considering how terrible she'd sounded when they'd done karaoke. It made Yaz wonder if she had been putting the drowned cat act on, actually.

The peace was interrupted by a low groan. She sat bolt upright, putting her book aside. It was clear the Doctor had tried to muffle the noise, but her tense shoulders and slightly curled posture, plus the white-hard grip on the sonic...  
"Y'okay?"  
"Cramps." she mumbled, chest visibly rising and falling as she took slow breaths. "Must be starting."  
"You need to lay down?"   
"No, no, I'll - I'm going to keep working on this. Keep my mind off it." she gave Yaz a smile.  
"If you need to stop and lay down, just say, okay?" she asked, and the Doctor nodded. "Y'want a cuppa? I can go make some."  
"That'd be great. Thanks, Yaz." she whispered, and Yaz nodded before slipping away to give her just a moment to herself.

Seizing the opportunity, she put down the sonic and wrapped her arms around herself. Slow, deep breaths, but the waves of pain were - awful. She hadn't expected it to hurt so bad, like something had shoved a fist into her organs and was squeezing. She let the tears shine for a moment before wiping them away. She needed the distraction, but was so grateful that Yaz had given her a second to feel this in privacy. Her body felt like the enemy, and she hated it. But she could get through this, like she'd gotten through worse things. And thinking of the parasite being gone sent a heady rush through her, an immeasurable relief. The pain would be worth it to be free of everything.

When she came back, the Doctor was back at work, focusing on what her hands were doing. She put the mug next to the gap, the blonde head popping up. Eyes hidden back in her goggles but a smile on her face as she put the sonic aside and took a sip.  
"Thanks, Yaz. Just what I need."  
"I'm right here." she said, sitting back on the console chairs with her book. "If you need me."  
"Don't worry." she was already ducking back in again, "I'll never forget that."


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Anobii1992 for betaing again.

  
The clatter of a wrench caught her attention. Yaz was on high alert anyway, barely paying attention to her book, focused instead on keeping an eye on the Doctor as best she could. But she'd been drawn in a little as she read, so the noise made her almost jump. Almost throwing it aside, she moved over to the hole in the TARDIS floor where the Doctor was. She'd doubled over, an arm around her waist. Breathless, apparently, a flush in her neck as she tried to not fall apart.

"Okay. Come on." Yaz kept her voice gentle, "You need to lay down, Doctor." she was surpised how willingly the time lord came with her, now, offering an arm into the gap. The Doctor's hand felt warm as it wrapped around hers, tugging to pull her out. Up close, the edge to her breathing was more clear, and Yaz wished she'd pushed on this earlier. Then again, with the Doctor's constant need for distraction, maybe being in bed wouldn't be good for her... she'd have to find something to distract her.

But judging by the way the Doctor was clinging to her hand, this was the right choice. She was tough, but the hard lines of her face, the slight shake in her breath - she was suffering. Yaz wasn't sure how much of it was physical pain, and how much of it was deeper.   
"I've gotcha." she said, gently now, "Let's get you to bed with a hot water bottle. You already have a pad on, right?" she double checked, as she kept an arm around the Doctor. She ran through grounding techniques in her head, but she didn't think the Doctor was having a panic attack.

"Yeah." it came out as a whisper, but hearing her voice rather than just a nod or shake was a relief in and of itself. Yaz smiled, squeezing her hand a little. The TARDIS was kind, and brought her room close. She helped the Doctor into her bed, where she immediately curled into a little ball, tugging the pillow in close to her chest, one arm under it. The other hand stayed tight on Yaz's.  
"Y'got a hot water bottle?"  
"One of those drawers." she mumbled. Yaz hesitated, then slipped away, letting go of the Doctor's hand with great reluctance. She dug until she found what looked like a normal Earth water bottle in a fuzzy cover.

"Alright, I'll go get some hot water -"  
"Y'don't need to." it did feel heavy, like it was full of water. "Bring it here?" she mumbled. Yaz immediately carried it over. The Doctor sat up, just a little, and fiddled with the top part, pressing a button. "Self warmin'." she mumbled. Yaz took it back, immediately feeling the heat starting in the deepest part of it, but not too hot. She handed it back, impressed, and let the Doctor tuck it in close to her abdomen. Moving, Yaz pulled the cover over her, before sitting on the floor next to the bed. The Doctor's hand sought hers once more, hanging onto it tightly.

"Thanks."  
"What for?" Yaz was startled by the comment.  
"Being here." the Doctor gave a tiny smile. "I guess it helps havin' a woman w'me, through... through all of this."  
"You're catchin' my accent." Yaz grinned.   
"Excuse you, I was always Northern." the Doctor objected, prompting some giggles.  
"No, y'are, but y'don't sound quite as Yorkshire as me." she pointed out, "A bit softer. Huddersfield, maybe." the Doctor gave a small hum, shifting a little, getting more comfortable. She grimaced again.

"S'the pain really bad?" Yaz said, gently, stroking her thumb over the back of the Doctor's pale hand again.  
"It's not too bad. Just - comes in waves." the Doctor admitted. "It's more it - it keeps -" her eyes shut again, jaw clenching, exhaling sharply again. Yaz kept squeezing, trying to give her something close to support. "I keep thinking about him." the voice was barely audible. "That he got to do this to me."   
"Oh, Doctor." she felt the pity in her voice, immediately wanting to stuff it back in. Soft lines fell on her face, burying herself further into the pillow, but not letting go of the hand in hers.

"You know that's - that's okay, right?" she said, gently. "That this - awful thing reminds you of the other awful thing. It's part of the PTSD. And honestly, I think you've been handling this really, really well. This whole thing - it's awful. It's really awful and you're going through it and you've been nothing but strong." she whispered. "I'm proud of you. I think you've been stronger than even when you're saving worlds and - and being a hero." Yaz swallowed hard. "Honestly, Doctor. Everything you do has been so - so inspiring. Seen you save the world, give your life up over and over." she stared at their wrapped hands, feeling how strong the Doctor's grip still was on her.

She let quiet fall for a few minutes, just the sound of the Doctor's breathing, the grip on her hand not fading. When she did speak, it was still very softly, her eyes shut.   
"Do y'mean that, Yaz?"  
"Yeah. Yeah, 'course I do." she said, gently now, "Everything you've shown me, everything we've seen, every single time ... y'blow my mind. Y'really do, Doctor." she smiled, still squeezing her hand. "Even with the awful things, like the Dregs or the Skithra, I've always known you'd save us. You're a hero. And this ... this is worse." she shook her head, swallowing hard, shutting her eyes as well. "Because you're ... you just - you deserve better." 

"Thanks." she mumbled.  
"No. Doctor, I don't think you get it. Like - all this stuff you do, all the - the heroic things - you deserve all the best things in the world. And yet you just get punished."  
"You're layin' it on thick." the mumble made her laugh softly.   
"Sorry, yeah, maybe I am." Yaz admitted. "But I mean it."  
"I know you do. Thank you." she whispered. "I'm just gonna lay here for a bit, Yaz, so you can go if you want to."  
"Don't be silly. I'm not goin' anywhere." Yaz whispered. She was going to be a comfort. But a big part of it was fear. Because the drug was untested, and she was afraid of what it would mean... what could go wrong.

She slipped into something like a doze, resting against the side of the bed, still holding the Doctor's hand. She knew that she wasn't asleep, even if she looked it, eyes shut and body still, breathing even. But something told her that she wasn't asleep, that she couldn't let go of the hand. Admittedly, she was getting stiff, sat on the floor and tucked against the side of the bed. She wasn't sure how long went by, her eyes drifting over the Doctor's face, and then around the room. She became aware of hazel peering at her, barely visible, and smiled automatically.

"You must be uncomfortable." the Doctor whispered, like it had just occured to her. "Sorry, Yaz."  
"S'fine, Doctor. Don't worry about it."   
"No. No, hey. Go grab a book or something." she whispered, and Yaz found a weird wave of relief that the Doctor wasn't pretending she wanted to be alone any more. "I'm sure I have some video games knocking around -" she tried to sit up then groaned, slumping back down again.  
"Don't stress, s'fine." Yaz got up, "D'you want a cuppa or anythin' while I'm up?"  
"Tea'd be great. Thanks, Yaz." she whispered, voice warm.   
"No worries. I'll be right back."

The kitchen was nearby - she thanked the TARDIS for being kind with that - and she was quick as she could be whilst still being careful. She made two cups of hot tea, plus a little honey to the Doctor's for added comfort. Grabbing the packet of custard creams too, which the TARDIS never seemed to run out of; she also collected a couple of books before making her way carefully back to the room. The Doctor was still laying in the same position, although she sat up a little when Yaz came in. Seeing the tea, she smiled, and slowly adjusted until she was sat up, resting the water bottle against her abdomen. Yaz handed over her cup, and the custard creams. The Doctor took a sip and her shoulders relaxed, but she frowned when Yaz went to sit on the floor.

"What're you doin'?"  
"Oh. I - I thought y'wanted me t'stay?"  
"Of course I do." she blinked owlishly, "Don't sit on the floor." she gestured at the other side of the bed. Yaz hesitated for just a moment then slid onto the bed, sitting on top of the covers, awkwardly putting aside her book and setting her tea on her lap. She glanced across at the Doctor, wondering how a woman so ancient could be so naive. Then again - she had seen just how not naive when it came down to it. She wondered how much was an act, how much of it was just to keep some kind of sense of - innocence, maybe? Her face was mostly hidden by her hair, from this angle at least.

"What're you reading?"  
"Oh! Erm. I've been reading this one -" she handed over the book she'd almost finished. "It's a really good story."  
"Oh, this one's from Karnehiza." the Doctor said, brightly, "TARDIS translates everything for you, but you might still find some weird phrasing. A lot of their nuance is done in a clicking noise, you don't have an organ that can make the sound properly."  
"There is a lot of stuff about clicking I didn't get." Yaz admitted. "But I sorta figured it out as I read it. It's a murder mystery, and the alien aspect adds a really interesting flare."  
The Doctor nodded, "This author is pretty much the Agatha Christie of Karnehiza." she explained, with a smile, handing it back. "I'm glad you're enjoying it."

A peaceful quiet settled. The Doctor borrowed one of the books from Yaz's stack, although she didn't miss the occasional flickers of tension in the Doctor's neck and hands as she read. Slowly, the Doctor slid sideways; she dozed off tucked up against Yaz, legs drawn up against the bottle, as she had when she was resting in Graham's flat. Yaz smiled, gently stroking her hair, still reading her book. 


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Anobii1992 for being my beta.
> 
> Things are about to get a bit scary.

  
She began to slip into a doze, too, the warmth of the Doctor and the worry of the past few days catching up to her. And maybe she was just glad that the Doctor was allowing herself to rest. She was still tucked up against Yaz, resting with her forehead just about on the young woman's collarbone. Always looked so different when she was asleep, the lines in her face softening out a little. Of course, until she had another nightmare, but it had seemed like she'd been resting close to peacefully... recently. And then had come the vomiting and the end of her peace, and Yaz had to clamp down hard on that low fury. The universe. She was really starting to hate it, regardless of all the wonder it contained.

Every so often she would give a soft little moan or wince, and Yaz stroked her hair a little more. In her half-asleep state, she was aware of the movements, but time slipped by almost comfortably. It was a particularly large jolt and a loud moan, the Doctor's head slipping, that brought her to attention. Eyes opening, she frowned a little. The pale features were drawn in pain.   
"Doctor?" she wasn't sure if it was better to let her stay asleep, hesitating. Her breathing picked up, arms shifting to wrap around her abdomen a little more, holding the water bottle in place.

Maybe it would be better if she was moving, to shift the - situation a little. She knew pregnant women often walked around during stressful childbirths to let gravity do the work, would it be the same here with the abortion? She swallowed hard, not sure, hesitating. The last thing she wanted was the Doctor suffering more than she had to, and the fact she was trusted so intensely through this whole situation... but the answer was there for her as the Doctor's eyes opened.

She let out an awful noise, a deep, groaning gasp. Curling up tighter, into a little ball, head just about on Yaz's thigh now.  
"Hey, Doctor. I'm here. I'm here." she said, urgently, "What's happening? Are you in pain?"  
"Hurts." she admitted, a short gasp, "Hurts - really bad. Really, really bad. Feels like I'm burning."   
"It's more than just cramps?" Yaz asked, feeling the little nod. "D'you need me to get the Resus One team, Doctor?" fear was flooding her, but she was able to keep her voice steady, to try to provide some support for her.

"No. No, not them."  
"You - I can't help you." she whispered, feeling her hands start to shake. "Doctor, please -"  
"No. No, not yet. Not yet." she was shaking herself, and Yaz rested a hand on her shoulder, frowning. There was a tingle across her skin and, instinctively, she drew her hand back - it felt like static. Golden light was starting to shimmer across the Doctor's arms and anywhere exposed, like reflections on the surface of the sea. Yaz jerked away without thinking, letting the Doctor's head fall onto the bed, where she just balled tighter, breathing hitching and catching.  
"What's happening? Doctor, talk to me, you're glowing -" the words choked off, throat bobbing again.

There was a hint of hazel, eyes opening. When she spoke, the life had drained from her voice, leaving it insipid.   
"Regeneration energy." she mumbled.  
"You -are you - are you regenerating?" she swallowed hard. "Doctor, are you - is this killing you?" the words barely came out, a scrape in her voice. The Doctor's eyes flickered shut again. That fear and anger flooded Yaz again but she just covered her mouth, not knowing what to do, and she hated it. She hated that fear, that lack of knowledge, it was the worst part of this. Her eyes burned with saltwater, seeing the sparkles intensify.

Moving around, she knelt on the bed, as close as she could get without touching.  
"Come on, Doctor, you can do this." she whispered. "You're gettin' rid of it, but I don't want to lose you. Please." the tears ran now, and she wanted to hold the Doctor's hand but something said it would be a bad idea to do so. "Come on. Come on, Doctor, come on." her eyes opened again, and all the gold strands in them looked so vivid now, staring across at Yaz. And, almost imperceptible - something like a nod. She was breathing sharply, and the energy began to - coalesce, almost. Flickering over her skin, shifting down, under her clothes. She let out another one of those deep groans, but - there was sudden dimness. The light faded, and the Doctor went limp.

"Hey. Doctor, hey?" she reached out, seeking the Doctor's hand. Her pulses were still there, if a little weak. She was breathing. Yaz hesitated, again, whether to get the team or let her work through it alone. She hated this. Why was the Doctor making her decide this, over and over again? She didn't want to be the one to make these decisions! She didn't want to have to be in charge like this! And although some of her was proud that she was so trusted, the rest of her just ached for the Doctor's suffering. She didn't look peaceful. Holding that wrist tight, she decided to give her fifteen minutes, then she was going to go for help.

The pulse stayed steady, got steadier. That was a relief. But she didn't move away, until the Doctor's eyes opened, five minutes or so later. Unfocused.  
"Can you help me up, please, Yaz?" her voice came out thready, and she moved without hesitation, helping the Doctor up to her shaky feet. For a moment she pitched and Yaz had to keep up her support, a tight arm around her, but she stood. They moved to the bathroom.   
"Y'okay?" she murmured, gently.  
"Think I'm past the worst of it." she whispered. "My body panicked. Thought I was dying." the Doctor murmured. "Realised what was happened, with a bit of a - push. Bit of control." she swallowed hard, throat bobbing.

"Just - think I need to clean up a little. Pain's easin' back." she paused again. "Thank you, Yaz. I'm sorry." she whispered ."Don't think I'd be gettin' through this without you." she admitted, with a smile that looked like the sun and Yaz felt that anger and frustration falling away.   
"D'you want me to stay?" she asked.  
"I should be okay. But - I'll leave the door open a bit." she said, softly. "In case I need you."

Yaz sat outside the door, violently thrust back into the past, when she'd done this before. It felt a thousand times worse, somehow. She knew what was happening, and yet - and yet - she swallowed hard, rubbing at her face and breathing slowly. Control. Calm and control. She listened to the Doctor moving around, the shower running, the obvious sounds of her being ... okay. And she smiled, clearing her face of tears, waiting for her to emerge. Eventually she did, looking far more steady.

"Y'okay?" she asked, looking up as she appeared in the doorway. "Look like you're feeling better."  
"Pain's gone. Quite a lot of blood." she inhaled sharply, "Changed pads. Feel okay. Could do with a drink."  
"Cuppa?"  
"Yeah. I'll come with you. Want to get moving." Yaz smiled and nodded, taking it slowly as they walked down to the TARDIS kitchen.

She seemed to be okay. Just a little fragile, a little shaky. But she sat at the table and when Yaz put the tea in front of her, she sipped it.  
"Will you talk to the Resus One team?" Yaz asked, gently.  
"As soon as the bleeding totally stops, I'll let them check me over." she said, soft. "I promise. It might help other people, after all." Yaz nodded, and allowed it, with a sigh. She still felt tired, but at least it felt like this would soon be finally, finally over. Back to normal. That was the dream, right?


	18. Chapter 18

  
She looked tired. Yaz could see it in the lines of her face. She was sluggish as she moved about, but she was moving. She'd drunk her tea, nibbled a few custard creams and slowly gotten dressed again. Then it was back to Resus One. They scanned her thoroughly and the Doctor endured all of it. Yaz stayed close to her side the whole time, taking her hand whenever she could, just so that she knew there was comfort. And the Doctor, for once, accepted it without complaint. She did as the medical team said, quietly and calmly, and for Yaz that was just as heartbreaking as the whole - situation was. Because the Doctor wasn't known for being calm and doing as she was told.

But the young woman could see that she just wanted all of this over. They confirmed that the abortion had been succesful. The Doctor spoke softly and only really answered what she had to. They'd taken the documents and added them to their database, apparently. The Doctor explained that she'd had some issues with regeneration drain, that if she hadn't been in control the process had run very close to killing her. But she didn't give them more information than she absolutely had to, to make it more useful. She was deliberating on the need to erase the Time Lord data from their data banks... in case this help was needed again. On the desperate, fragile thread of hope - that there might be someone else like her out in the world.

They were given some documents, the Doctor scan read them. It all looked like medical gobbledegook to Yaz, but the Doctor seemed to understand it enough. She signed it, a messy scrawl of The Doctor before she slid it back across. When everyone seemed happy with what she'd handed over, she stood slowly, still a little sore, clearly. A slight grimace on her lips.  
"Can I prescribe you any painkillers, Doctor?" he asked, softly. His eyes were surprisingly gentle. "Also, we do have some, uh, therapy sessions available for people who've been through -"  
"Already having therapy." she said, tightly. "And no painkillers will work on me. Thank you, though." she smiled, tightly. "With any luck I'll never have to meet you again."

He let out a slight chuckle, and a nod, before proferring a hand for her to shake. The Doctor hesitated, before giving it a little shake, then turned with Yaz towards the door.   
"Hey, Doctor." she said, when they stepped through the first set of teleports, spotting something glowing and bright. "Look." she pointed, and to her utter joy, the Doctor's face spread into a wide, genuine grin.  
"I love a little shop!" she said, brightly, setting off at a neat clip. There were a couple of very clearly not-human folks browsing the shelves. There were a lot of things like mugs, "It's a boy!" "It's a girl!" "It's a baby!" kind of things, then little teddy bears with 'get well soon' on them, and stacks of various candy.

The Doctor was perusing what looked like shelves of candy canes in ludicrous colours. Yaz wandered around the space, looking at some items she couldn't possibly figure out, assuming they must be for aliens that were different in layout to her. The Doctor had picked out a few pieces of candy and glanced around at Yaz.  
"Y'want anything?" she asked, with a smile.  
"You never have money." she said, lowly, "And I'm not stealing."  
She wiggled her psychic paper with a grin. Yaz sighed a little.   
"Nah. I'm fine." but it was so good to see the Doctor being bright. "I'll be just outside." the Doctor nodded at Yaz's words, letting the young woman slip out, leaning against the wall and people-watching.

The Doctor emerged a moment later, already sucking on one of the pieces of candy. A smell like apples reached Yaz, who smiled back at her, and they made their way back to the TARDIS.  
"You look a lot better." she said, lightly, and meant it. "How're you feeling?" she knew she'd asked not so long ago, but the change in the Doctor was so jarring. They stepped into the warm light of the TARDIS, golden and bright. The Doctor placed a pale hand on the console before she responded.  
"Relieved, mostly." she said, softly. "Just this great - weight off me." she took a slow breath, turning the candy cane in her hands. 

"Still a bit sore, honestly," the Doctor admitted, "Think I will be, for a while. Little cramps every so often. My head's hurting." she added. Yaz was actually glad, for just a moment - that she was being honest. It was good.   
"Maybe we should go back for a therapy session." she said, gently, "S'been close enough to a week."  
"When this is over." she murmured. "When - this." she pointed vaguely at her crotch area and Yaz nodded.

"Can I make a suggestion?" she asked, gently.   
"Sure." the Doctor smiled.   
"You mentioned a cinema room, a while back." she murmured, "Maybe we should just - go watch a film. Downtime. Snacks." she suggested, voice light, "Just - relax for a bit. Until you feel better?"  
"Y'know what, Yaz, that is a _great idea._ " she beamed, and Yaz mimicked the brightness of the 100-watt smile. She loved seeing the Doctor something close to happy again. "All we have to do is find it."

She hopped up from where she'd been leaning on the console, and set off a a smart clip deeper into the TARDIS, coat billowing around her. She hummed just a little as she went, and Yaz followed, jogging lightly as she went. They shot down the corridor, but at the end, the Doctor had slowed a little. Her breathing was a little shakier.  
"Take it easy, Doctor." Yaz said, quickly. "Don't push too hard. We're meant to be relaxin', remember?"  
"Yeah. Yeah, I know." she said, lightly, catching her breath. They took it a little more carefully now, heading down and through the unmarked corridors.

The Doctor finally pushed open a door and gave a cry of success.   
"Woah." Yaz stepped in behind her. It didn't quite look like an actual cinema, but it had the same sort of a screen. There was a sort of tablet set up on the wall, currently dark; Yaz peered around. She couldn't see any sort of projector, but knowing how advanced the tech in the TARDIS was, that wasn't really a surprise. She could smell -  
"Popcorn?"  
"Oh, yeah! There's a machine." the Doctor pressed something on the wall and the house lights came up, revealing the squishy chairs and sofa that were arranged around the screen. At the back of the room were a few stands, including some weird chutes labelled 'popcorn'. Above it were a bunch of different buttons.

"Dozens of flavours!" the Doctor picked up a bucket from the side as Yaz considered said flavours. There were normal ones; salt, sweet, caramel, cheese, and then steadily wilder ones. Blueberries, chilli, they sounded good. Prawns and chocolate didn't sound quite as good. Yaz grabbed a bucket too and filled it with a mix of salt and cheese and a few interesting sounding flavours. The Doctor was getting some of everything. And although there were no popping sounds, the popcorn came out hot and fresh.

Yaz went and settled on a sofa, getting comfy, drawing her legs up.   
"What're we watchin'?" she asked. The Doctor went to pick the tablet up then handed it to her.   
"Here y'go. You pick. It's got a library of pretty much everything in the universe." she admitted, tucking herself onto another sofa. She drew her own legs up, mimicking Yaz's positioning, shoving a mouthful of popcorn into her face. Yaz wandered through a few categories before deciding to do something she had seen before, comfort reasons. She found the Earth section and scrolled to the right century.   
"You mind something a little gorey? Not much." she said, quickly.   
"Yeah, that's fine." The Doctor said, already deep in her popcorn. 

She clicked Attack The Block, and almost immediately it began to play on the screen in incredible HD. Yaz got comfortable, nibbling on her mix of popcorn, glancing over every so often. The Doctor looked comfortable enough, watching the movie. They were only a few minutes in when Yaz realised something, looking between the screen and the Doctor.  
"What?" she asked, lightly, realising that Yaz was looking at her, peering over at the young woman.  
"No, it's nowt, just - that character looks like you. Sam."  
The Doctor looked back at the screen and frowned.  
"She don't."  
"She does! I mean darker hair and a bit younger, yeah, and a stupid hat, but honestly. She looks just like you." Yaz laughed.

"Nah." The Doctor shook her head, but she was smiling a little. "Can't see it."  
"She's even got your little eyebrow crinkle." the Doctor lifted her hand to touch the little indentation next to her brow, frowning thoughtfully.   
"Mm, nah. Still don't see that." she said, and Yaz laughed, settling to watch the film and giving up with trying to convince her otherwise. She let herself get absorbed, and by the time they were halfway through the film, the Doctor had dozed off again. She was curled around her popcorn bucket, breathing soft, face in relaxed lines. Yaz smiled, looking back at the screen, and let herself relax too.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I completely forgot to upload this I'm so sorry

  
"You're happy with the choice you made, right?" she didn't really want to ask it, but the question was weighing on her as she watched the Doctor pilot the TARDIS. It was the following day - sort of, it was hard to tell in the TARDIS, time got weird - and she was pretty sure the Doctor was feeling back to normal. Judging by how she was bouncing around the console, throwing switches and hitting buttons. But her hands stilled for just a second as she glanced over at Yaz.

"Yeah." she said, after a moment. "I did think - y'know. When I found out. When I went into shutdown." she pressed a button, moving a little slower now, a little more cautious. The TARDIS stopped flinging them about quite so violently. "Because I've been a parent before, Yaz. I've had kids. That I know about." she grimaced, jaw tightening and eyes flickering shut for just a moment. "I have an immense past, most of which - I don't know. Most of which was taken from me." she took a deep breath. "I was facing that again. And I knew ... it wouldn't be fair. For them." her eyes drifted down again, back to the switches in front of her.

"Because I don't know ... how to carry a pregnancy, Yaz. Not with my life. And I know that I ... if I looked at them, all I would see - would be him." she swallowed hard, throat bobbing. "I would never put a child through that. And that's just - just for them. I couldn't do it. An there's no shame in that, either."  
"I wasn't saying -"  
"No. No, I know you weren't, Yaz." she whispered. "You just - reminded me. Because humans in your time, the people who don't carry, they love to talk about how - how people regret. And I can tell you that almost everyone who goes through with this sort of procedure, they don't feel any regret." she smiled, a little sadly.

"But then ... things are different for me, too. I don't know what I am. Even if I was a Time Lord, there's nothing - no knowledge, no way for me to know how to safely - do that. And with the size of the - the creature that -" her hands were shaking. Yaz reached out automatically, and the Doctor wrapped her fingers around the proffered grip. "The likelihood is that the pregnancy would have killed me anyway." she admitted. "Taken both of us out with it." Yaz swallowed hard, giving her a squeeze.

"Are y'gonna talk to your therapist about this?" she asked, softly, and the Doctor nodded, just a little.  
"You know I've kept the timelines hazy." she said, softly. "I don't have to give her too much detail, but I think - I do need to talk about this." she murmured.   
"That's okay, Doctor." Yaz said, softly. "As slow or as fast as you need to go, and that's fine."  
She nodded, and threw another lever, pitching them slightly to the side. She grimaced again, hand reaching to press against her eye.

"That headache still botherin' you?" Yaz whispered. The Doctor sighed.   
"Yeah. But it'll be fine. I'm sure it'll clear up now that this whole situation is - dealt with." she gestured at herself. "I'm looking forward to going on some normal adventures." she admitted, and Yaz laughed. She moved away to allow the Doctor to pilot again, sitting back on the console seat, watching the coat flare around the alien as she flew. And she smiled just a little, glad she'd asked and been reassured. She hadn't doubted, of course, and she knew she never would've questioned the Doctor's decision.

"There's so much out there, Yaz." she murmured. "In this wide, incredible, beautiful world. There's so much goodness. And yeah, there's ... there's cruelty. There's anger, and there's brutality, and there's prisons and rapists, but ... there's so much good. There's living galaxies, things that grow and give and are filled with love. There are plants on distant planets that have to be sung to, so that they bloom brighter and give richer fruits. There are creatures, with lives just - a blip of a breath - and they give all of it up to fly the galaxy and try to heal." she smiled softly. "All I need to do when I'm struggling is remember all the good in the world, Yaz. All that kindness." she whispered.

Yaz felt - touched. She smiled, just gently, and nodded. She could see it in the Doctor, really. How easily she could be filled with fury, that she could bring rage down on Stormcage, that she could easily, with all her power, destroy anyone who had ever hurt her. And she didn't. She was good, and kind. She deserved better.  
"Ryan and Graham will be glad to see you." she said, gently.   
"Yeah. I'll be glad to see them too." the ship landed with a heavy thud. The Doctor smiled and offered her hand. "Shall we go?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there we go, folks, hope you enjoyed!


End file.
